Wednesday, April 25, 2007
The Subscribe Feature
I just want to take a quick moment and make people aware of the subscribe feature at the very bottom of this page. When you click the Subscribe to: Posts (Atom) link it will bring you to a new page with a yellow box at the top and say you are subscribing to a feed that updates often or something like that. If you click the link next to the star that says "Subscribe to this feed" then the whole blog will be added to your Internet Explorer feeds list and it will automatically update every day and let you know if there is a new post. This way you can get the latest news and not have to check everyday. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know about this handy feature.
Can I Brag On My Wife
This last weekend I needed to run in William's room to grab something and for some reason stopped to look around again. It was supposed to be a quick in and out grab, but I got stuck. I couldn't help but notice how wonderfully Rebecca had prepared for him. She had all his clothes in the changing table ready to go; all his little socks washed and paired up. His diapers were all opened ready to go in a stack on the end of the changing table with another package ready as backup just to the side. She then had tubs of clothes, pre-washed and folded divided into size groups below his crib sized 3-6mo, 6-9mo, 9-12mo, etc. The baby phone (monitor) was charged and ready to go. He had a little bath basket all made up with all the required soaps, washcloths, and stuff in it. He already had his own kitchen cabinet with all his plasticware washed and ready to go. His books were all stacked on the bookshelf organized by appropriate age range. He had little toys organized in his closet by appropriate age range and all his little shoes lined out across the bottom. His little come home outfit was still in the crib folded and ready with a little lamb outfit with matching socks and cap. I sat there for almost 45 minutes just marveling at all Rebecca had done to prepare for our little boy. She had absolutely everything except diaper lessons for the father. Can I just tell you she is the best mother ever.
Thanks to All of You
We have been attending grief group with others who experienced a similar situation as ours called MEND. One of the things we've grown to appreciate is that as far as this experience goes, you have helped us walk it out as perfectly as could possibly be imagined.
We realized God has taken such care of us through everyone around us, it's just amazing. We received almost nothing, but perfect advice. The doctors were great, the people who advised us through the funeral process, the friends who supported us, the family who gathered around us, the funeral home that assisted us, didn't exploit us and was a tremendous help, a friend who loaned us his vacation house to get away for a week and I can go on and on.
This was a terrible event that forever changed our lives, but thanks to you, your assistance, guidance, support, ears, meals, flowers, emails, cards and your love, you have helped us walk out the perfect recovery scenario and we appreciate you immensely.
We realized God has taken such care of us through everyone around us, it's just amazing. We received almost nothing, but perfect advice. The doctors were great, the people who advised us through the funeral process, the friends who supported us, the family who gathered around us, the funeral home that assisted us, didn't exploit us and was a tremendous help, a friend who loaned us his vacation house to get away for a week and I can go on and on.
This was a terrible event that forever changed our lives, but thanks to you, your assistance, guidance, support, ears, meals, flowers, emails, cards and your love, you have helped us walk out the perfect recovery scenario and we appreciate you immensely.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
My New Perspective
I have friends roughly my age ask, "what do you feel when you see my children?" It's bizarre really, but I have a totally new perspective. Rebecca tells me, "once a daddy, always a daddy" and it's really true. I appreciate all children so much more. I know what a treasure they are and I treasure them with you. I know what I want to teach my children, how I want them to behave and what I want them to know. I want all those good things for your children too and I want to assist in that process by expecting the same of your children as you do and supporting and loving them the same as you do.
It really is a whole new perspective for me because now I'm on the parents team.
It really is a whole new perspective for me because now I'm on the parents team.
It's Just What Daddys Do
I was maybe 12-14 years old and our dog escaped from the backyard. We couldn't find him anywhere in our neighborhood and finally we went down to check along the big street to see if he was down there. He was laying in the grass right by the street. I went to touch him to see if he was still breathing, if there was anything I could do for him. He was cold and stiff and I ran all the way home crying. After dad got home from work that night he went down and picked up our dog and brought him back. I remember sitting at home thinking, "I don't know if I can be a daddy; daddys have to do really hard stuff."
Now I know, it's just what daddys do. I make furniture so I had to make his box. He was my boy. I couldn't let anyone else carry him to the car or across the bridge. I was his daddy. I'm still a bit mistified that I could drive the screws into the top of his little casket myself, but now I know no matter how hard it is, it's just what daddys do.
Now I know, it's just what daddys do. I make furniture so I had to make his box. He was my boy. I couldn't let anyone else carry him to the car or across the bridge. I was his daddy. I'm still a bit mistified that I could drive the screws into the top of his little casket myself, but now I know no matter how hard it is, it's just what daddys do.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Thank Heaven for Parents
I just wanted to take a moment and thank our parents. I can never thank them enough. Both Rebecca's parents and my parents have been such an enormous help through this time I just about can't imagine doing this without them. They've been more generous in more ways than I ever could have dreamed. So I want to give them public kudos and a grateful, heartfelt "thank you."
Why Blog?
I've gotten this question several times since posting the blog. The first answer is, I have alot to say and no one to say it to. So I'll just tell everyone. (I was working on a no one said to some on that everyone... type joke, but I'm sick this weekend so it ain't happenin)
The second answer I've discovered is that alot of people ask how we're doing and I rarely want to give them a real response like, "this week really sucked. Thanks for asking." I do want people to know the real deal with us though. I've found myself doing that terrible thing where people ask how we're doing and I cock my head to the side, pull my mouth back in a partial grin, say, "we're doing OK" and bob like a bobble head doll. I don't want to be fake with people, but they rarely ask at convenient times for me to give the whole story and I'm not sure they want to hear that we're still darn near incapcitated at times, "by the way how are your kids doing?" Perhaps I'm just projecting.
Along with the second answer this hopefully gives our friends and family an anonymous, low pressure way to check up on us without the pressure of possibly upsetting us, asking at a bad time, or any of the other risks real or perceived with talking to us directly.
Finally, I hope this can be a forum of sorts. I would love for people to comment on the posts and share the posts with friends, family etc if it would be beneficial. I've realised that alot of people have no idea what to do with us at times. If you find yourself in that group, please post a comment or email me. I promise there is nothing you can say that will offend me and I would rather hear from you and at least know you're thinking of us than hear nothing at all and assume you have forgotten about us.
The second answer I've discovered is that alot of people ask how we're doing and I rarely want to give them a real response like, "this week really sucked. Thanks for asking." I do want people to know the real deal with us though. I've found myself doing that terrible thing where people ask how we're doing and I cock my head to the side, pull my mouth back in a partial grin, say, "we're doing OK" and bob like a bobble head doll. I don't want to be fake with people, but they rarely ask at convenient times for me to give the whole story and I'm not sure they want to hear that we're still darn near incapcitated at times, "by the way how are your kids doing?" Perhaps I'm just projecting.
Along with the second answer this hopefully gives our friends and family an anonymous, low pressure way to check up on us without the pressure of possibly upsetting us, asking at a bad time, or any of the other risks real or perceived with talking to us directly.
Finally, I hope this can be a forum of sorts. I would love for people to comment on the posts and share the posts with friends, family etc if it would be beneficial. I've realised that alot of people have no idea what to do with us at times. If you find yourself in that group, please post a comment or email me. I promise there is nothing you can say that will offend me and I would rather hear from you and at least know you're thinking of us than hear nothing at all and assume you have forgotten about us.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Where he got his name
Some of you may not know how we came up with his name of William Robert Thurlow. Well Rebecca and I treasure our fathers very much. They are both tremendous fathers who were very involved in our lives and played significant roles in developing us. ...you know hold us up to the light and shake us like polaroids ;) Anyway, Rebecca's father is Robert Smith and my father's name is William Thurlow, and we wanted our boy to be a legacy to their fathership. That's how we came to name him William Robert Thurlow.
Grief is the process
Well, it's bizarre. They always say grief is a process, but I don't think that's very accurate. For us, the process is grief. As days tick on by it doesn't get any better yet. Actually the hard days get harder, when you lose it, you lose more. We get more back to "normal" life, we see more people who don't know what happened, we do things and go places and wish William was with us. Every day that ticks by we see more holes where he's missing. It still still feels like we're going down into the great fire swamp not coming out of it.
Backstory & Side Note: When I graduated high school I was dating a girl at the time that I was certain I would mary. I was absolutely positive that this was the girl God had created just for me and it would be wonderful. Well I wasn't that great of a guy at the time and she dumped me. It was a debilitating shock. I felt like I just couldn't go on. I wondered what God had in mind. I felt like I was living second to second breath in, breath out, style. After that I was in depression for over a year afterword and would still just lose it and fall to the floor sobbing on occasion. So I thought I knew what this grief may be like and expected it to take a long time, but that doesn't even come clost to compare to this. I don't know why, I haven't fallen to the floor sobbing yet, but damn it hurts. I even knew roughly what to expect, a year long process, sobbing, depression, etc. and it's still surprising how much this sucks. Side note: check my post about helping do's and dont's, because when I shared this comparison with Rebecca it backfired.
So, it's still hard and getting harder. The process continues on and the process is grief. That being said, we still treasure your support more than we can ever tell you and we will continue to need it for many months to come.
Backstory & Side Note: When I graduated high school I was dating a girl at the time that I was certain I would mary. I was absolutely positive that this was the girl God had created just for me and it would be wonderful. Well I wasn't that great of a guy at the time and she dumped me. It was a debilitating shock. I felt like I just couldn't go on. I wondered what God had in mind. I felt like I was living second to second breath in, breath out, style. After that I was in depression for over a year afterword and would still just lose it and fall to the floor sobbing on occasion. So I thought I knew what this grief may be like and expected it to take a long time, but that doesn't even come clost to compare to this. I don't know why, I haven't fallen to the floor sobbing yet, but damn it hurts. I even knew roughly what to expect, a year long process, sobbing, depression, etc. and it's still surprising how much this sucks. Side note: check my post about helping do's and dont's, because when I shared this comparison with Rebecca it backfired.
So, it's still hard and getting harder. The process continues on and the process is grief. That being said, we still treasure your support more than we can ever tell you and we will continue to need it for many months to come.
Monday, April 2, 2007
How to help and not piss off your friends
This one is totally out of order, but it has been on my mind alot lately so it gets on top. Throughout the process we've received tons of "assistance. " The vast majority of it has been amazing, but we've seen alot of people who have no clue how to help. I certainly wouldn't have known myself, but now being on this end of the ordeal gives me a pretty good list of do's and don'ts.
The big picture: Stand on the side line and be ready to jump. Don't stay silent and don't jump in the middle of things without invitation, just be there. Everything else is just a clarification to that point.
Do make contact. Somehow. Anyhow is better than no how. If you want to support someone, let them know even if it's just a card. If you're close to the grieving person (family, long time friend, etc.) a call will most likely be welcome so long as you keep it brief and just call to say, "I'm sorry for you loss. If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know."
Don't get offended. Even if you're a close, close friend there is a ton of stuff going on and sometimes they just have bad days. Don't be offended it they don't tell you everything or don't call you back. Just be ready for when they do call.
Do send meals. We wouldn't have eaten if people hadn't been bringing food over. Our days were so bad some times we would have just cried ourselves to sleep in bed and not ate. Having meals helped us get to see friends and helped keep our strength up when we couldn't take care of ourselves.
Don't compare/sympathise. No comparison or a show of sympathy ever works out. Saying something like, "I know how you feel, my goldfish died in 3rd grade and I was crushed." will get an unspoken response along the lines of "so you think my child meant no more to me than a goldfish?" That's bad. Saying something like "I know how you feel, four of my children died" while a closer comparison than a goldfish you still run the risk of getting "you think just the first dying isn't all that bad?" Clearly you want the people you're supporting to know that you take their pain very seriously, and you hurt for them as perhaps you have hurt in similar situations before, but any comparison stands a 98% chance of back firing.
Do be genuine. The best thing anyone could say to me was something simple like "I am so sorry. I can't imagine how you hurt, but I hurt with you. If there's anything I can do, let me know." That conveyed to me a true friendship. I took people up on offers to talk, offers of help of different sorts and anyone who knows me knows I don't ask for help very often. This has been a good lesson for me because I have needed help like never before and people have been so gracious and generous to rush in and help in so many ways.
Don't say at least you have/haven't. A very painful mistake to make is to say something along of the lines well at least you still have health, one another, God, etc. In my painful and sometimes irrational state I wanted to respond, "Yeah, well I would have traded it all, but I don't get to do I?" One friend said well at least you didn't have such and such happen. It drew an unspoken angry response of "I would have gladly taken all of that and more to have my baby back. How can you be so insensitive?"
Do talk about it. We will never forget that our baby died. You will not be insensitive if you bring it up, ask about us, ask about William, let us know you're thinking of us. It's not like we almost forget and then when you brought it up it all came back. He was a significant part of our lives and it hurts far more when the situation is ignored and everyone pretends nothing happened. Sometimes we cry when we talk about it, but we'd rather talk about it, than act like nothing happened.
Don't offer grief guidance. I was surprised how many people offered grief guidance. Everybody grieves differently and every situation is different. So what worked for you, may not do a dern thing for me. The best possible thing to assist with the grief as said before is to be nearby and available. Allowing someone to grieve with you is the best way to help them grieve.
Do help. Some of the very best help we've had has at times been something we couldn't even ask for. Sometimes people didn't say if "if you need help let me know" but rather "I would like to take care of such and such for you." Those things were a tremendous help. One friend took care of organizing all our meals for us for two months and we didn't have to ask. It was some of the best help. Don't be afraid to take care of something and be "bossy help" but also be OK if they don't accept it.
Finally, do pray alot. It's one of the most effective things you can do and is ALWAYS welcome.
That's about all I can think of for tonight. I'm sure I will think of more and I'll dutifully add them to the blog. I hope this will help you be a better friend and supporter. If you every have any questions about if something would be appropriate, received well, risky or whatever, feel free to email me and I'll give my opinion if you'd like. It's very important to be a good friend and I'd be honored to help.
The big picture: Stand on the side line and be ready to jump. Don't stay silent and don't jump in the middle of things without invitation, just be there. Everything else is just a clarification to that point.
Do make contact. Somehow. Anyhow is better than no how. If you want to support someone, let them know even if it's just a card. If you're close to the grieving person (family, long time friend, etc.) a call will most likely be welcome so long as you keep it brief and just call to say, "I'm sorry for you loss. If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know."
Don't get offended. Even if you're a close, close friend there is a ton of stuff going on and sometimes they just have bad days. Don't be offended it they don't tell you everything or don't call you back. Just be ready for when they do call.
Do send meals. We wouldn't have eaten if people hadn't been bringing food over. Our days were so bad some times we would have just cried ourselves to sleep in bed and not ate. Having meals helped us get to see friends and helped keep our strength up when we couldn't take care of ourselves.
Don't compare/sympathise. No comparison or a show of sympathy ever works out. Saying something like, "I know how you feel, my goldfish died in 3rd grade and I was crushed." will get an unspoken response along the lines of "so you think my child meant no more to me than a goldfish?" That's bad. Saying something like "I know how you feel, four of my children died" while a closer comparison than a goldfish you still run the risk of getting "you think just the first dying isn't all that bad?" Clearly you want the people you're supporting to know that you take their pain very seriously, and you hurt for them as perhaps you have hurt in similar situations before, but any comparison stands a 98% chance of back firing.
Do be genuine. The best thing anyone could say to me was something simple like "I am so sorry. I can't imagine how you hurt, but I hurt with you. If there's anything I can do, let me know." That conveyed to me a true friendship. I took people up on offers to talk, offers of help of different sorts and anyone who knows me knows I don't ask for help very often. This has been a good lesson for me because I have needed help like never before and people have been so gracious and generous to rush in and help in so many ways.
Don't say at least you have/haven't. A very painful mistake to make is to say something along of the lines well at least you still have health, one another, God, etc. In my painful and sometimes irrational state I wanted to respond, "Yeah, well I would have traded it all, but I don't get to do I?" One friend said well at least you didn't have such and such happen. It drew an unspoken angry response of "I would have gladly taken all of that and more to have my baby back. How can you be so insensitive?"
Do talk about it. We will never forget that our baby died. You will not be insensitive if you bring it up, ask about us, ask about William, let us know you're thinking of us. It's not like we almost forget and then when you brought it up it all came back. He was a significant part of our lives and it hurts far more when the situation is ignored and everyone pretends nothing happened. Sometimes we cry when we talk about it, but we'd rather talk about it, than act like nothing happened.
Don't offer grief guidance. I was surprised how many people offered grief guidance. Everybody grieves differently and every situation is different. So what worked for you, may not do a dern thing for me. The best possible thing to assist with the grief as said before is to be nearby and available. Allowing someone to grieve with you is the best way to help them grieve.
Do help. Some of the very best help we've had has at times been something we couldn't even ask for. Sometimes people didn't say if "if you need help let me know" but rather "I would like to take care of such and such for you." Those things were a tremendous help. One friend took care of organizing all our meals for us for two months and we didn't have to ask. It was some of the best help. Don't be afraid to take care of something and be "bossy help" but also be OK if they don't accept it.
Finally, do pray alot. It's one of the most effective things you can do and is ALWAYS welcome.
That's about all I can think of for tonight. I'm sure I will think of more and I'll dutifully add them to the blog. I hope this will help you be a better friend and supporter. If you every have any questions about if something would be appropriate, received well, risky or whatever, feel free to email me and I'll give my opinion if you'd like. It's very important to be a good friend and I'd be honored to help.
Intro & Event
Well as a course of intro this, I feel, is a selfish pursuit to express stuff going on. I have tons of thoughts throughout a day and don't really have a way to get them out. I have fear, anger, relief, joy, despair, lessons learned, regrets, all sorts of things and sometimes I just can't get them all out, so I'll just blast it into the grand expanse of the Internet.
First the backstory: My wife and I were expecting a baby boy this spring. He was due on January 25th. Everything had been perfect throughout the entire pregnancy. On a quick side note, Rebecca had been perfect through the pregnancy. I had heard horror stories of hormone swings and all kinds of terrible things and I experienced none of those even as we bought a new house, upgraded it, repainted it and moved. As a husband goes I'm one of the luckiest ones out there. Back to the melody... On January 30th Rebecca went to the doctor and her water broke. The doctor to her to go to the hospital so I came, grabbed her and we headed to the hospital. He was kicking on the way down there and everything was great. We checked in at the hospital and they sent us to Room 1. The nurse said here put this gown on and we'll get you hooked up. ...or something to that effect. Rebecca called from the bathroom and said she didn't feel well so I went to help her out of the bathroom. We got to the door of the bathroom and she fainted and I helped her fall to floor softishly. Two nurses were right there and revived her and they started checking on the baby. The couldn' find a heatbeat so they moved her to the bed and looked for the heart beat another way and still couldn't find it. Also Rebecca's blood pressure was so low, the nurses were worried about losing her so they rolled her right out for an emergency C-section. The doctor did a super fast slash and grab and had William out in 60 seconds. There was a team of neonatal surgeons standing there to take him. He wasn't breathing and they tried to revive him for 18 minutes, but no luck. The nurse came to get me 20 minutes after they rolled her out and had me come down to the OR. That's when they told me what happened. I still can't really explain what all it felt like. The world stopped turning and everything fell over towards the east. Yeah, that's what happened.
First the backstory: My wife and I were expecting a baby boy this spring. He was due on January 25th. Everything had been perfect throughout the entire pregnancy. On a quick side note, Rebecca had been perfect through the pregnancy. I had heard horror stories of hormone swings and all kinds of terrible things and I experienced none of those even as we bought a new house, upgraded it, repainted it and moved. As a husband goes I'm one of the luckiest ones out there. Back to the melody... On January 30th Rebecca went to the doctor and her water broke. The doctor to her to go to the hospital so I came, grabbed her and we headed to the hospital. He was kicking on the way down there and everything was great. We checked in at the hospital and they sent us to Room 1. The nurse said here put this gown on and we'll get you hooked up. ...or something to that effect. Rebecca called from the bathroom and said she didn't feel well so I went to help her out of the bathroom. We got to the door of the bathroom and she fainted and I helped her fall to floor softishly. Two nurses were right there and revived her and they started checking on the baby. The couldn' find a heatbeat so they moved her to the bed and looked for the heart beat another way and still couldn't find it. Also Rebecca's blood pressure was so low, the nurses were worried about losing her so they rolled her right out for an emergency C-section. The doctor did a super fast slash and grab and had William out in 60 seconds. There was a team of neonatal surgeons standing there to take him. He wasn't breathing and they tried to revive him for 18 minutes, but no luck. The nurse came to get me 20 minutes after they rolled her out and had me come down to the OR. That's when they told me what happened. I still can't really explain what all it felt like. The world stopped turning and everything fell over towards the east. Yeah, that's what happened.
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