You Could Have Had

I wrote this the day after my son died and our pastor read this essay at his funeral.

You could have had a great life.

Everyone says being a father gives you a clearer perspective on how your heavenly father sees you. For example, when I looked at my son, I loved him so much I could hardly stand it. It wasn’t because he was so great (which he was of course), because he was good to me or because he did anything for me. I loved him because he was my son, no other reason necessary. I always knew this is how it would be, but now I’ve felt it, it’s real. I understand more now how my heavenly father sees me.He loves me because I’m his son, not because of what I can do for Him, great things I can say about Him or anything, but because He made me to be me.

Yesterday I held my son and discovered quite another perspective from God. I had been anxiously waiting for him to come, I had so many dreams for him. So many things I wanted to teach him and help him experience. He would go mountain biking, rock climbing, scuba diving and sky diving. He would learn to work on cars, work with wood, work on houses. He would learn to be a real man, a servant, a hard worker, a loving husband and a doting father himself some day.

It wouldn’t be perfect all the time. At some point in his life he would have probably yelled, “I hate you Dad!” and slammed the door. I might have yelled back, “I don’t care, I hated you first.” But really, he could never get away from my love. There would never be any time I wouldn’t drive off the end of the world to get him back. All these things he missed out on, he never had a chance to experience them. As I laid him down in his crib for the last time I whispered in his little ear, “You could have had a great life.”

When my heavenly father lays me down for the last time I don’t want him to say, “You could have had a great life.” I don’t want Him to say, “You could have had joy, you could have had freedom, and you could have had peace. I wanted to teach you to trust Me; I would have taken care of you. I wanted to teach you to live fully and abundantly; I would have provided for you. I wanted to help you with your burden; I would have taken it for you. I wanted to calm your fears and restore your hope; it’s what I do best.”

It won’t be perfect. At some point, maybe several points, in my life I may yell, “I hate you God!” and slam the door. He will always say, ”I don’t care, I will always love you.” There will never be any time He won’t turn over Heaven and earth to get me back.

Don’t miss out on all God offers you. Don’t get to the end of a good life apart from God only to hear, “You could have had... a great life.”