This year has been hard. We're over ten months away and it seems like all we do is see how deep the rabbit hole goes; how hard it can get. Thanksgiving and the holidays have been especially hard and it's kind of caught us off guard.
First, we planned a year and a half ago to have Christmas at our house so that we wouldn't be traveling with a youngster. Well, everyone is coming to our house, but we don't have a youngster. It's a kick in the gut every time I think about it.
Second, now that's it's been a while, baby's close to William's age are now old enough to be out traveling and it just seems like we see them all over the place. We know he would have been about this big, he would know his name, he would be close to walking about now, he would be cuddly, he would be so cute and he would be so fun.
Third, It's been really hard seeing our parents be such great grand parents. When we see our parents take care of other kids our hearts cry, "they should be taking care of William!" We don't begrudge anyone else their joy, but we can't help thinking William should be on that wagon, high chair or lap instead.
Fourth, it seems like injustice continues to taunt us. As time goes on we hear of more and more people who don't "deserve" their baby, but they get one...and we still don't. Some people complain incessantly about the pain and inconvenience of having a baby. Some people have one and don't take care of it. Some people don't want the one they have. Some people have one and want one, but don't deserve it. (I understand the danger of using the word "deserve," especially considering the context of some of my other posts, but it best describes the emotions we feel) Sometimes these events put me into a crying, screaming rage! It's just so unfair!
Finally, we're coming up on Christmas. A time of hope, that just seems ironic. We think back to last year and all the fun we had with him kicking; the hopes and the dreams. I remember rubbing Rebecca's tummy, sleeping with the windows open in the winter, trying to keep toilet paper in stock. What do we have to hope for this year? We've lost two babies this year, with even less probability of success now than before. It's just a whole different ball game, that's no fun to play.
As much as we try to be aware of troubling times ahead of time, we just can't predict how awful it can end up being. We try to prepare for times we know will be stressful, or remind us of him, but we continue to be amazed at all the different directions pain can come from. This has been harder than we expected.
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2 comments:
Hi Micah
We live in the near London in UK
I first read your blog at the begining of October after our little grandson Theodore died at five hours old - we knew for 4 1/2 months that he was going to be a dwarf but the doctors thought it wasn't a lethal form. Although the hospital tried really hard to get him breathing, he didn't make it.
I hope you don't mind but I used some of your thoughts about the best way people can help in these circumstances to give to our son and daughter in law after Theo's funeral.
I revisited your blog the following week only to read the very sad news about the ectopic and understand how devastating this must be for you both. It is very hard to want a baby so much and feel that other people get pregnant so haphazardly and some care so little for the child they are given. My husband and I have been foster carers since are own children were young and we have looked after babies born to drug users and binge drinkers who care so little that when their baby is taken into care they can't be bothered to roll out of bed to maintain with them even on birthdays and Christmas.
Andrew and Clare are awaiting the results of the post-mortem and genetic testing and they are finding this time really hard as they desparately want a family. Several of their friends at Church have become pregnant in the last couple of months and this has made it even more difficult.
We as the grandparents do not feel we can foster any babies at the moment for all the reasons you mention in your blog - we want to be taking care of Theo and he is not here for us to cuddle now.
Please be assured that we will be praying for you both even as we are praying for Andrew and Clare. This is such a difficult thing to go through and I hope knowing you have friends across the world will help you.
Andrew wrote in his blog after Theo's death: "We feel proud to have known Theo as our son, even though it was only for a few hours. His life has brought us new friends from across the globe, broadened our horizons and made us into stronger people. He has changed our life forever and we love him very dearly".
If you would like to read the blog of their journey you can find it at http://littledungey.blogspot.com
Take care and find peace
Cheryl Dungey
As an inveterate reader of true life stories, I would have thought I could imagine the difficulty a family would confront with the death of a baby at birth. Not so, of course. The last year (and it isn’t over yet) has been more difficult than I could have ever conjured up.
I smiled when I read what you wrote, “…they should be taking care of William!” I sometimes feel the same way – and now we are playing with a silly dog named Coco! Coco can’t fill William’s shoes, but her funny antics do distract us and make us smile. Thank you for sharing what’s on your heart…
Love, Tassy, one of William’s grandmothers
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