One of the coolest things I've heard in a while

Rebecca and I were watching TV the other night: Man vs Wild on Discovery channel. It's a show where a guy gets dropped off in the middle of no where and has to find his way back to civilization. He was running through the rain forest then stopped for a split second, looked up and said something like, "look at this flower, it just proves the extravagance of God. This flower may have never been seen by anyone, but its gorgeous, it's extravagance!" Then he scrambled on down the path to catch a piranha with a hand made bow and arrow.

Stop every once and a while, look around, and you too can see the extravagance of God!

The Long Time Learning (God Pt III)

God has been working on me for the last couple months and all the pieces didn't come together until last week. First I'll give you the big lesson, give you all the points and small lessons along the way, then give you the big lesson again. The big lesson: I control nothing, I deserve nothing, when I am at my best I depend on God for everything.

First off, I control nothing. This has been a big theme of this year. No matter how good we are, no matter how right we are, no matter how many risks we eliminate, we are not in control. Rebecca was so prepared for William it was just amazing to me. In the end though, there was no dieting, exercising, vitamin taking, technique learning enough to control that situation. It's just not possible. Same thing last couple weeks, we had absolutely no control of an ectopal pregnancy bursting and causing surgery. Even in my business, I realize I have no control. I can do my best to take care of my customers and I still may fail, or I may succeed and they may want to sue me anyway. I just do not control any situation really. I have control over my emotions and actions and that is pretty much all.

Second, I deserve nothing. This lesson came to me first towards the end of an interesting book from my brother in law. It's called Me, Myself and Bob and I highly recommend it. But one of the stories he tells is about thinking that because he worked hard all night, that he deserves what he receives. Then when he saw another man getting on the train going to what the author suspects is his first job at 4am to probably very unfulfilling, unapreciative work and then to a second equally unrewarding job just to barely support his family. At this moment the Holy Spirit revealed to the author that he didn't deserve better just because of who he was, but that the foot of the cross is level: "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," Romans 3:23. God has repeated this lesson for me as well. For the last couple months the Holy Spirit has been taking opportunities when I sin, worry or become proud to gently remind me that I have fallen short and don't get what I deserve, which is life without God, but rather I get to take part in full communication with God because of the gift of Jesus Christ, which I have done nothing to deserve.

Finally, given the other two lessons, I control nothing and I deserve nothing. The best thing I can do is simply say, "God, have mercy on me, a sinner." Luke 18:13 (follow that link, it's good in context) When this is what my heart crys out, I have peace and joy. I am in the palm of the Creator's hand, helpless and I couldn't be happier. It's when I crawl out of His hand and start taking on the world like Don Quixote as if I could do something, get something more or even just expect something more, that I get stressed out, unable to sleep and generally unhappy. God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Latest Events (2007 sucks)

Well, the last couple weeks have been quite eventful for us. Since I haven't run this story by Rebecca I'll keep it quick. Maybe she will fill in more details later.

Three weeks ago Rebecca thought she had a miscarriage so we went to the hospital and they said, yup, you were pregnant and now you're not. Then the next Saturday, she had intense abdominal pain so we called 911, went to the hospital, found out she had an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy that ruptured and had emergency abdominal surgery to stop the internal bleeding and remove the ruptured tube (everything else is still fine and in place). So for the second time this year we're one week in to a 3 month recovery after significant abdominal surgery again.

2007 sucks

What it's like

Well, I have some new perspectives I'd like to share; just some random things I've learned lately. One is that people in grief may just not know what to do. I know many times we just had no idea what to do with ourselves. For instance, I was holding William in bed and then a camera came out and I smiled. I wasn't happy, I just don't know, it was a camera and you smile for the camera. What else should I do? So when encountering grieving people, don't expect them to know what to do or even behave normally. If you are the grieving person, just expect to be without your wits and it's totally OK. It's just what happens.

When we grieve we are exhausted. It's similar to stress, when something is going wrong our brain just runs all night long working over details, what ifs, etc. and we can't sleep until we're totally exhausted, then we wake up late and tired and it's just a bad cycle and it totally snowballs. So that's why at times we're totally exhausted. It's not rocket science, it's just something I wouldn't have expected, but it totally hits you hard.

Finally, what's it like to be us? One of the best analogies I've found is that it's like getting married, but bad. Take the emotional amplitude and invert it and the time line fits pretty well. The first day is a blur, it's crazy. The first week you are on the honeymoon and completely outside real life: it's great. Then you get back to real life, but you're keenly aware that life is radically different . After some time the new situation becomes a little normal, but it's still entirely different than before, it just feels more like normal. Similarly, no matter how much time passes you never forget that you're married, it's just part of normal. That's why this blog is called "The New Normal."

I haven't forgotten to write

I haven't forgotten to write, I've just been out of town and extremely busy the last couple weeks. I've been gone for 3 weeks straight: a week in Gulfport/Biloxi, MS; a week in Denver; and now I'm writing this while on board a 161' yacht I'm finishing in Ft Lauderdale, Florida and once I finish here, I'll be in El Paso for a week (no yachts in El Paso though :( ).

I have been thinking about William a lot and have plenty to write about, I just don't have the two hours it takes me to write two paragraphs. So once life settles back down in a little bit, I'll be back to writing.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

My Testimony part 1

I don't know why this has been on my mind lately, but it has so here goes. I always remember being in youth group and hearing crispy critter stories ("I was so close to hell..." "I was sleeping in the gutter,"" I did so many drugs", etc.) and thinking to myself "boy if I had a good story like that and I saw firsthand what God could do for me, I would really believe." That thinking was flawed in so many ways, but alas that's what being young is all about I guess.

First, my testimony is that I didn't have to go through all that junk. God saved my parents and changed their lives long before I came along, and they brought me up to know and follow God. He was good to me before I was even born by providing me with good parents. As I was growing up, I knew other kids in our church and youth group that did all the horrible things (sex, drugs, you name it) the crispy critters did, but God chose to reveal himself to me in no uncertain terms before I got to those stages. I wanted to follow God when I could have started down a very different path. Testimony number one is that God has saved me from so much destruction and so many horrible experiences in the first place.

Second, my foundation has been firm. This kind of dovetails with the first one. Because I didn't have those horrible times of life -- for which I am eternally grateful -- it would be easy to think that God hadn't really been "tested." I'd have to agree that I didn't have a dramatic story. I still don't really have one. If you get thrown out of the airplane and the parachute opens just as it should, it's scary but not catastrophic. Losing a son has been a kick to the heart, and like getting thrown out of a plane you don't have much say in the matter and you'll take all the help you can get. We could not have carried ourselves, but when God shows up, cradles us, takes care of us like never before, like we knew he would, it is no fun at all but still not the end of the world. It hasn't been without uncertainty, outright fear, grief and lots of crying, but our life hasn't crumbled, our faith hasn't cratered, our marriage is strong and our life continues with hope.

God can do incredible restoration with crispy critters, but God can also protect, cradle and guide hearts submitted to Him. So, I think a life of hope and faith is just as dramatic a testimony to the power of God. My personal testimony right now is that we do not grieve like the rest of men who have no hope.

You Could Have Had

I wrote this the day after my son died and our pastor read this essay at his funeral.

You could have had a great life.

Everyone says being a father gives you a clearer perspective on how your heavenly father sees you. For example, when I looked at my son, I loved him so much I could hardly stand it. It wasn’t because he was so great (which he was of course), because he was good to me or because he did anything for me. I loved him because he was my son, no other reason necessary. I always knew this is how it would be, but now I’ve felt it, it’s real. I understand more now how my heavenly father sees me.He loves me because I’m his son, not because of what I can do for Him, great things I can say about Him or anything, but because He made me to be me.

Yesterday I held my son and discovered quite another perspective from God. I had been anxiously waiting for him to come, I had so many dreams for him. So many things I wanted to teach him and help him experience. He would go mountain biking, rock climbing, scuba diving and sky diving. He would learn to work on cars, work with wood, work on houses. He would learn to be a real man, a servant, a hard worker, a loving husband and a doting father himself some day.

It wouldn’t be perfect all the time. At some point in his life he would have probably yelled, “I hate you Dad!” and slammed the door. I might have yelled back, “I don’t care, I hated you first.” But really, he could never get away from my love. There would never be any time I wouldn’t drive off the end of the world to get him back. All these things he missed out on, he never had a chance to experience them. As I laid him down in his crib for the last time I whispered in his little ear, “You could have had a great life.”

When my heavenly father lays me down for the last time I don’t want him to say, “You could have had a great life.” I don’t want Him to say, “You could have had joy, you could have had freedom, and you could have had peace. I wanted to teach you to trust Me; I would have taken care of you. I wanted to teach you to live fully and abundantly; I would have provided for you. I wanted to help you with your burden; I would have taken it for you. I wanted to calm your fears and restore your hope; it’s what I do best.”

It won’t be perfect. At some point, maybe several points, in my life I may yell, “I hate you God!” and slam the door. He will always say, ”I don’t care, I will always love you.” There will never be any time He won’t turn over Heaven and earth to get me back.

Don’t miss out on all God offers you. Don’t get to the end of a good life apart from God only to hear, “You could have had... a great life.”

Permission to Use

I have had several requests to use various parts of my blog and our story in sermons, talks, speeches, discussions, etc. Anyone has permission to use my story and or blog entries. It's on the internet so it doesn't get much more public than that.

I do request that you let me know when you use my story or entries. It's encouraging to hear my blog entries have wings, travel about and have a positive impact in peoples lives. If possible I'd really love to hear or see a copy of the sermon, speech, talk or whatever.

I'm encouraged when other people see value in my questions and thoughts. Thank you again for your support and interest.

Why I Give AKA God Pt II

When I was maybe 4 or 5 I was sitting in a church conference with my parents in a hotel ballroom with jade green paisley carpet, green covered chairs and dark jade and gold curtains covering the windows. It came to the part of the service where they collected the tithes and offerings and passed the baskets. My mom handed me a quarter and told me to put in the basket. When the basket came along, I quickly slipped the quarter in my pocket and passed the basket on. My mom, being the shrewd woman she was, caught the slight of hand and took the basket back. She said, "Why did you keep the quarter when I told you to put it in the basket?" I said, "because you gave it to me." "Yes, but if I ask you to put it in the basket and you don't, why should I give you another quarter?"

We see in the Bible that God expects a tithe from us out of obedience and out of trust. If we don't obey God's commands; if we don't trust what God says is true in everyday matters such as money and possessions, how can we believe we will be able to trust or obey when it comes to important matters.

Let's say I had not been a faithful tither, let's say I chose not to obey, let's say I did not trust God with my money. If I arrived at my present set of circumstances in this condition it would be nearly impossible for me to suddenly, honestly begin trusting God. I couldn't start at this point and suddenly believe that He knows what's going on, that He wants the best for me or know that He will provide for me.

In my current situation I'm grateful that Rebecca and I decided to make a habit of trusting and obeying years ago when the 'trust and obey' wasn't on such an incredible scale. We didn't just stand up after William died and say we'll trust God now because we have nothing else to do. We stand up and say God has been good to us for years and He still is, right now.

God asks us to put our quarters in the basket, we do, and he always gives us more quarters.

Ups and Downs

Well, this last weekend was extremely tough. First, I went to Oshkosh, WI for my annual airplane dreaming vacation at the EAA Airventure show. It's a collection of 2,500 or more airplanes of all types: old "war birds", business jets, geneal aviation, gliders, military fighters, homebuilt and experimental airplanes, floatplanes, helicopters, ultra-lights... I think you get the picture that it's a lot of flying things.

That show and that vacation time is one of my favorite times of year, and it just struck me like a ton of bricks that I won't be able to bring him along. As my buddies and I sat around the beer garden till midnight, I thought that in 21 years he won't be there with me, enjoying what we've been enjoying all this time, telling stories among friends. I saw so many little boys walking around the show with their dads, excitedly running and pointing at almost every single airplane they saw, shielding their eyes to watch the airshow and I don't have my little boy. Almost to top it off, there was a new childrens cartoon debuted at the show called Andy's Airplanes. (it really is quite cute I think) I walked by it almost every day, and boy if that isn't just salt in the wound, I don't know what is.

I don't know if you guys noticed, but his little outfit at the funeral had airplanes on it because I knew we would enjoy airplanes together.

So Sunday night when I got back, we had a long cry about that. Then Monday was the 30th which is the six month mark and that was hard too. We had another good cry about that and filled my ears up again. When you cry while lying on your back, your tears run into your ears until it sounds like you're in an aquarium.

So really, I don't think the pain lessens, it just gets concentrated from the easier every day events into the harder meaningful events. I kind of feel like a 9/11 survivor; we'll survive, but we'll never forget.

General Life Update

Well, here's the general life update.  We are doing better.  In previous posts I said it feels like we're still descending, but now, I would say we've turned the corner and are making the climb out.

There are still setbacks and some very sad times still, but overall, life is improving.

Thank you for all your support and thank you for remembering us.

A quick visit to left field ...cause it's my page.

This is totally off topic as I am just sharing what I have found to be one of the greatest cleaning tips around. It's my page and... well that's all, but here we go. Have two drinks before you start, then a drink an hour to keep your momentum. This may be shocking to some of you, but I'll give you two reasons it works and to give it a try.

Reason One: I don't like cleaning. I'd rather be doing something else, but cleaning and organizing just have to be done. Now take some good rural folk, give em a few drinks and its suddenly a good idea to go pushing around 1800 pound cattle in their field at night. No one knows why, it just suddenly is. Same thing here, I'm just sitting in front of the TV and suddenly it's a good idea to get some of this junk out of my way, and make noise with a vacuum cleaner and such. I don't know why; it just works for me.

Reason Two: I keep less stuff. As I come across junk I'm less likely to think "hmm, this has the subtle yet distinct look of things that are suddenly super necessary at some point beyond 15 years from now. What if that fateful day arrives, and I'm unprepared?!? I must keep it!" and I'm more likely to think all in one breath, "what's this? Dunno" Kerplunk! Or when looking at clothes I don't think something silly like, "this was my favorite shirt in junior high. I used to be so cool. I'm going to start working out this year you know. I'll fit into it again soon, you'll see..." and instead think, "oh crap! I don't need this as evidence against me!" Swish!

So there they are. I should make an infomercial and sell "cleaning kits" in the middle of the night. Anyway, I've been using this system for my last couple large cleaning jobs and it has drastically improved my cleaning performance, and I haven't regretted one thing I've thrown out. I usually just regret the things I keep.

PS: I do donate everything of value to a local charity. Not everything goes into the actual trash and don't drive anywhere after you're done cleaning, just check out my infomercial on TV.

PPS: No, I didn't have anything to drink before writing this. ;)

A Picture

This is Rebecca's favorite picture and one of mine too.

The God Thing Part1

This will be just part 1 of who knows how many. All night is not long enough to tell about all we've learned and all God has done for us. First what we've experienced has only proved Scripture and grown our faith. We don't cling to Scripture as though we hope it comes true, but rather stand on it as it has already happened and been proven true. For example: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[j] who[k] have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 NIV A simple interpretation is that God never wastes a hurt. In all things, even this thing, God is at work for my good. This has happened. I am a different, better person. We have seen all kinds of restoration directly resulting from this tragedy. If left up to me I would never trade William, but God did use this hurt to work good in other areas.

God did not cause this. He didnt' take my baby. We live in a fallen world where Satan can do stuff. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10 NIV

That's it in a nutshell. I'll expand on this plenty more, but I wanted to let you know where we stand: what we believe and more importantly what we know. We know God is good.

Talk to Us

When I talk to people I often hear. "Man I'm curious how you're doing, but I don't want to bring it up." Well for anyone who's had similar thoughts, I want to put your mind at ease and tell you please talk to us.

We enjoy talking about William and it actually helps us and makes us feel better than you can imagine. It also reassures us that you haven't forgotten him either and that makes us feel very good. So please ask any questions.

You can't hurt us any worse. It's not like we almost forgot everything and you bringing it up suddenly brought it all back. I have his picture right under my monitor at work. I get to "escape" for minutes at a time where I am focused on programming, but other than that we never forget it.

We appreciate honest questions and will answer honestly. There is nothing off limits per se and we wouldn't with hold information that would help you understand something. For example, in all honesty I'm a little relieved I'm not changing diapers right now. That whole scene creeps me out, but I would do them all forever and let him run around the house without them entirely if it meant he was here.

We may not be happy. I have to warn you that sometimes when ask us questions we may start crying when we talk about him, but please don't worry. I would rather cry in front of you and know you still care than think you don't care or don't remember.

It actually makes us feel good to talk about him so please talk to us.

What is the New Normal

The title of this blog is The New Normal, but what exactly is that, what does that look like? Now that we've had some time to get in a new groove, we're getting a clearer picture of the New Normal.

For starters, it changes what's important. Sometimes we just have bad days and we take time for that. Before, I was very schedule and task oriented. If things weren't done on time, I was upset and now that just doesn't matter at all some times. Sometimes Rebecca and/or I just need time and now we just take it.

Now we feel like we understand how important it is to be a good friend. We realised so many people didn't know what do with us, but that we appreciated people who made an effort. We know some things better now, but we still don't always know what to do with other people's hurt either. What we do know is that it's important to make an effort, and to be a good friend. Part of that being a good friend is just knowing that everybody's pain is different and that everyone's pain, while being different can be the worst ever to them. Just like I said in the How to Help post, comparison never helps and it's always the worst thing in the world to the people going through it.

So our New Normal is a change of priorities, a change of schedules, a change of attitudes a change of our life pace and direction.

Cruel Trick Huh?

Sorry for the trick having you subscribe only to then not post anything for 4 weeks or whatever it's been. "Catch the latest greatest news... a month from now" Anyway, I have a full quiver of things to say and I'll work on getting them all out.

For starters, I've had a new realisation lately. I am a dad. Now that may not seem new to some of you, but I for a while was in the camp that thought, dads have kids and I don't have a kid. Now when people ask if I have children I say "I have one in heaven." He didn't cease to exist when he died, but I didn't make that connection until recently. So I am a daddy, my son is growing in heaven. Another interesting thing is that without really realising it, I have become a daddy in the way I behave. I spent the last weekend with my cousin in Ft Lauderdale, FL and when interacting with his kids I realised how different I am. Anyway, that's the new news.

The Subscribe Feature

I just want to take a quick moment and make people aware of the subscribe feature at the very bottom of this page. When you click the Subscribe to: Posts (Atom) link it will bring you to a new page with a yellow box at the top and say you are subscribing to a feed that updates often or something like that. If you click the link next to the star that says "Subscribe to this feed" then the whole blog will be added to your Internet Explorer feeds list and it will automatically update every day and let you know if there is a new post. This way you can get the latest news and not have to check everyday. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know about this handy feature.

Can I Brag On My Wife

This last weekend I needed to run in William's room to grab something and for some reason stopped to look around again. It was supposed to be a quick in and out grab, but I got stuck. I couldn't help but notice how wonderfully Rebecca had prepared for him. She had all his clothes in the changing table ready to go; all his little socks washed and paired up. His diapers were all opened ready to go in a stack on the end of the changing table with another package ready as backup just to the side. She then had tubs of clothes, pre-washed and folded divided into size groups below his crib sized 3-6mo, 6-9mo, 9-12mo, etc. The baby phone (monitor) was charged and ready to go. He had a little bath basket all made up with all the required soaps, washcloths, and stuff in it. He already had his own kitchen cabinet with all his plasticware washed and ready to go. His books were all stacked on the bookshelf organized by appropriate age range. He had little toys organized in his closet by appropriate age range and all his little shoes lined out across the bottom. His little come home outfit was still in the crib folded and ready with a little lamb outfit with matching socks and cap. I sat there for almost 45 minutes just marveling at all Rebecca had done to prepare for our little boy. She had absolutely everything except diaper lessons for the father. Can I just tell you she is the best mother ever.

Thanks to All of You

We have been attending grief group with others who experienced a similar situation as ours called MEND. One of the things we've grown to appreciate is that as far as this experience goes, you have helped us walk it out as perfectly as could possibly be imagined.

We realized God has taken such care of us through everyone around us, it's just amazing. We received almost nothing, but perfect advice. The doctors were great, the people who advised us through the funeral process, the friends who supported us, the family who gathered around us, the funeral home that assisted us, didn't exploit us and was a tremendous help, a friend who loaned us his vacation house to get away for a week and I can go on and on.

This was a terrible event that forever changed our lives, but thanks to you, your assistance, guidance, support, ears, meals, flowers, emails, cards and your love, you have helped us walk out the perfect recovery scenario and we appreciate you immensely.

My New Perspective

I have friends roughly my age ask, "what do you feel when you see my children?" It's bizarre really, but I have a totally new perspective. Rebecca tells me, "once a daddy, always a daddy" and it's really true. I appreciate all children so much more. I know what a treasure they are and I treasure them with you. I know what I want to teach my children, how I want them to behave and what I want them to know. I want all those good things for your children too and I want to assist in that process by expecting the same of your children as you do and supporting and loving them the same as you do.

It really is a whole new perspective for me because now I'm on the parents team.

It's Just What Daddys Do

I was maybe 12-14 years old and our dog escaped from the backyard. We couldn't find him anywhere in our neighborhood and finally we went down to check along the big street to see if he was down there. He was laying in the grass right by the street. I went to touch him to see if he was still breathing, if there was anything I could do for him. He was cold and stiff and I ran all the way home crying. After dad got home from work that night he went down and picked up our dog and brought him back. I remember sitting at home thinking, "I don't know if I can be a daddy; daddys have to do really hard stuff."

Now I know, it's just what daddys do. I make furniture so I had to make his box. He was my boy. I couldn't let anyone else carry him to the car or across the bridge. I was his daddy. I'm still a bit mistified that I could drive the screws into the top of his little casket myself, but now I know no matter how hard it is, it's just what daddys do.

Thank Heaven for Parents

I just wanted to take a moment and thank our parents. I can never thank them enough. Both Rebecca's parents and my parents have been such an enormous help through this time I just about can't imagine doing this without them. They've been more generous in more ways than I ever could have dreamed. So I want to give them public kudos and a grateful, heartfelt "thank you."

Why Blog?

I've gotten this question several times since posting the blog. The first answer is, I have alot to say and no one to say it to. So I'll just tell everyone. (I was working on a no one said to some on that everyone... type joke, but I'm sick this weekend so it ain't happenin)

The second answer I've discovered is that alot of people ask how we're doing and I rarely want to give them a real response like, "this week really sucked. Thanks for asking." I do want people to know the real deal with us though. I've found myself doing that terrible thing where people ask how we're doing and I cock my head to the side, pull my mouth back in a partial grin, say, "we're doing OK" and bob like a bobble head doll. I don't want to be fake with people, but they rarely ask at convenient times for me to give the whole story and I'm not sure they want to hear that we're still darn near incapcitated at times, "by the way how are your kids doing?" Perhaps I'm just projecting.

Along with the second answer this hopefully gives our friends and family an anonymous, low pressure way to check up on us without the pressure of possibly upsetting us, asking at a bad time, or any of the other risks real or perceived with talking to us directly.

Finally, I hope this can be a forum of sorts. I would love for people to comment on the posts and share the posts with friends, family etc if it would be beneficial. I've realised that alot of people have no idea what to do with us at times. If you find yourself in that group, please post a comment or email me. I promise there is nothing you can say that will offend me and I would rather hear from you and at least know you're thinking of us than hear nothing at all and assume you have forgotten about us.