I've gotten this question several times since posting the blog. The first answer is, I have alot to say and no one to say it to. So I'll just tell everyone. (I was working on a no one said to some on that everyone... type joke, but I'm sick this weekend so it ain't happenin)
The second answer I've discovered is that alot of people ask how we're doing and I rarely want to give them a real response like, "this week really sucked. Thanks for asking." I do want people to know the real deal with us though. I've found myself doing that terrible thing where people ask how we're doing and I cock my head to the side, pull my mouth back in a partial grin, say, "we're doing OK" and bob like a bobble head doll. I don't want to be fake with people, but they rarely ask at convenient times for me to give the whole story and I'm not sure they want to hear that we're still darn near incapcitated at times, "by the way how are your kids doing?" Perhaps I'm just projecting.
Along with the second answer this hopefully gives our friends and family an anonymous, low pressure way to check up on us without the pressure of possibly upsetting us, asking at a bad time, or any of the other risks real or perceived with talking to us directly.
Finally, I hope this can be a forum of sorts. I would love for people to comment on the posts and share the posts with friends, family etc if it would be beneficial. I've realised that alot of people have no idea what to do with us at times. If you find yourself in that group, please post a comment or email me. I promise there is nothing you can say that will offend me and I would rather hear from you and at least know you're thinking of us than hear nothing at all and assume you have forgotten about us.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Monday, April 2, 2007
How to help and not piss off your friends
This one is totally out of order, but it has been on my mind alot lately so it gets on top. Throughout the process we've received tons of "assistance. " The vast majority of it has been amazing, but we've seen alot of people who have no clue how to help. I certainly wouldn't have known myself, but now being on this end of the ordeal gives me a pretty good list of do's and don'ts.
The big picture: Stand on the side line and be ready to jump. Don't stay silent and don't jump in the middle of things without invitation, just be there. Everything else is just a clarification to that point.
Do make contact. Somehow. Anyhow is better than no how. If you want to support someone, let them know even if it's just a card. If you're close to the grieving person (family, long time friend, etc.) a call will most likely be welcome so long as you keep it brief and just call to say, "I'm sorry for you loss. If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know."
Don't get offended. Even if you're a close, close friend there is a ton of stuff going on and sometimes they just have bad days. Don't be offended it they don't tell you everything or don't call you back. Just be ready for when they do call.
Do send meals. We wouldn't have eaten if people hadn't been bringing food over. Our days were so bad some times we would have just cried ourselves to sleep in bed and not ate. Having meals helped us get to see friends and helped keep our strength up when we couldn't take care of ourselves.
Don't compare/sympathise. No comparison or a show of sympathy ever works out. Saying something like, "I know how you feel, my goldfish died in 3rd grade and I was crushed." will get an unspoken response along the lines of "so you think my child meant no more to me than a goldfish?" That's bad. Saying something like "I know how you feel, four of my children died" while a closer comparison than a goldfish you still run the risk of getting "you think just the first dying isn't all that bad?" Clearly you want the people you're supporting to know that you take their pain very seriously, and you hurt for them as perhaps you have hurt in similar situations before, but any comparison stands a 98% chance of back firing.
Do be genuine. The best thing anyone could say to me was something simple like "I am so sorry. I can't imagine how you hurt, but I hurt with you. If there's anything I can do, let me know." That conveyed to me a true friendship. I took people up on offers to talk, offers of help of different sorts and anyone who knows me knows I don't ask for help very often. This has been a good lesson for me because I have needed help like never before and people have been so gracious and generous to rush in and help in so many ways.
Don't say at least you have/haven't. A very painful mistake to make is to say something along of the lines well at least you still have health, one another, God, etc. In my painful and sometimes irrational state I wanted to respond, "Yeah, well I would have traded it all, but I don't get to do I?" One friend said well at least you didn't have such and such happen. It drew an unspoken angry response of "I would have gladly taken all of that and more to have my baby back. How can you be so insensitive?"
Do talk about it. We will never forget that our baby died. You will not be insensitive if you bring it up, ask about us, ask about William, let us know you're thinking of us. It's not like we almost forget and then when you brought it up it all came back. He was a significant part of our lives and it hurts far more when the situation is ignored and everyone pretends nothing happened. Sometimes we cry when we talk about it, but we'd rather talk about it, than act like nothing happened.
Don't offer grief guidance. I was surprised how many people offered grief guidance. Everybody grieves differently and every situation is different. So what worked for you, may not do a dern thing for me. The best possible thing to assist with the grief as said before is to be nearby and available. Allowing someone to grieve with you is the best way to help them grieve.
Do help. Some of the very best help we've had has at times been something we couldn't even ask for. Sometimes people didn't say if "if you need help let me know" but rather "I would like to take care of such and such for you." Those things were a tremendous help. One friend took care of organizing all our meals for us for two months and we didn't have to ask. It was some of the best help. Don't be afraid to take care of something and be "bossy help" but also be OK if they don't accept it.
Finally, do pray alot. It's one of the most effective things you can do and is ALWAYS welcome.
That's about all I can think of for tonight. I'm sure I will think of more and I'll dutifully add them to the blog. I hope this will help you be a better friend and supporter. If you every have any questions about if something would be appropriate, received well, risky or whatever, feel free to email me and I'll give my opinion if you'd like. It's very important to be a good friend and I'd be honored to help.
The big picture: Stand on the side line and be ready to jump. Don't stay silent and don't jump in the middle of things without invitation, just be there. Everything else is just a clarification to that point.
Do make contact. Somehow. Anyhow is better than no how. If you want to support someone, let them know even if it's just a card. If you're close to the grieving person (family, long time friend, etc.) a call will most likely be welcome so long as you keep it brief and just call to say, "I'm sorry for you loss. If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know."
Don't get offended. Even if you're a close, close friend there is a ton of stuff going on and sometimes they just have bad days. Don't be offended it they don't tell you everything or don't call you back. Just be ready for when they do call.
Do send meals. We wouldn't have eaten if people hadn't been bringing food over. Our days were so bad some times we would have just cried ourselves to sleep in bed and not ate. Having meals helped us get to see friends and helped keep our strength up when we couldn't take care of ourselves.
Don't compare/sympathise. No comparison or a show of sympathy ever works out. Saying something like, "I know how you feel, my goldfish died in 3rd grade and I was crushed." will get an unspoken response along the lines of "so you think my child meant no more to me than a goldfish?" That's bad. Saying something like "I know how you feel, four of my children died" while a closer comparison than a goldfish you still run the risk of getting "you think just the first dying isn't all that bad?" Clearly you want the people you're supporting to know that you take their pain very seriously, and you hurt for them as perhaps you have hurt in similar situations before, but any comparison stands a 98% chance of back firing.
Do be genuine. The best thing anyone could say to me was something simple like "I am so sorry. I can't imagine how you hurt, but I hurt with you. If there's anything I can do, let me know." That conveyed to me a true friendship. I took people up on offers to talk, offers of help of different sorts and anyone who knows me knows I don't ask for help very often. This has been a good lesson for me because I have needed help like never before and people have been so gracious and generous to rush in and help in so many ways.
Don't say at least you have/haven't. A very painful mistake to make is to say something along of the lines well at least you still have health, one another, God, etc. In my painful and sometimes irrational state I wanted to respond, "Yeah, well I would have traded it all, but I don't get to do I?" One friend said well at least you didn't have such and such happen. It drew an unspoken angry response of "I would have gladly taken all of that and more to have my baby back. How can you be so insensitive?"
Do talk about it. We will never forget that our baby died. You will not be insensitive if you bring it up, ask about us, ask about William, let us know you're thinking of us. It's not like we almost forget and then when you brought it up it all came back. He was a significant part of our lives and it hurts far more when the situation is ignored and everyone pretends nothing happened. Sometimes we cry when we talk about it, but we'd rather talk about it, than act like nothing happened.
Don't offer grief guidance. I was surprised how many people offered grief guidance. Everybody grieves differently and every situation is different. So what worked for you, may not do a dern thing for me. The best possible thing to assist with the grief as said before is to be nearby and available. Allowing someone to grieve with you is the best way to help them grieve.
Do help. Some of the very best help we've had has at times been something we couldn't even ask for. Sometimes people didn't say if "if you need help let me know" but rather "I would like to take care of such and such for you." Those things were a tremendous help. One friend took care of organizing all our meals for us for two months and we didn't have to ask. It was some of the best help. Don't be afraid to take care of something and be "bossy help" but also be OK if they don't accept it.
Finally, do pray alot. It's one of the most effective things you can do and is ALWAYS welcome.
That's about all I can think of for tonight. I'm sure I will think of more and I'll dutifully add them to the blog. I hope this will help you be a better friend and supporter. If you every have any questions about if something would be appropriate, received well, risky or whatever, feel free to email me and I'll give my opinion if you'd like. It's very important to be a good friend and I'd be honored to help.
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