The New Normal

Good Gifts

2009-06-30T16:42:00.003-05:00

A family member called and asked what a good gift is for someone going through a similar situation. That's really an interesting question, because people are so different and there's never a "perfect gift" like for a birthday, anniversary, etc. However there were two gifts to us that were wonderful.

One was when people brought dinner and stayed to have it with us. We enjoyed getting to spend time with people who loved us enough to take care of us. It was some really special time, time to talk with friends, sometimes even make new friends, sometimes it was just a great distraction from 'real life.'

The other great present that we enjoyed were dining and entertainment/movie gift cards. As I write that it sounds bizarre, but they really were great. As I've said before, when you're in that situation you don't want to eat, you don't want to cook, you don't want to do anything after such an ordeal when the grief is fresh. Having the gift cards to go eat somewhere and then go to a movie where a wonderful, even if temporary, escape. I know a lot of people think gift cards are cheating, but they were wonderful to us because they provided a pressure release valve for us. When we needed, on our own time we could just go out, get away and everything was taken care of.

Those were two of the best, but really anything you can do to be present will be welcome. I still remember everyone who sent flowers to the funeral. I remember everyone who donated to a charity we support. I was surprised by some of them, I had no idea they would care, but I appreciated that they thought of me and will always remember them fondly.

Holding on to Sanity by a Thread

2009-05-17T15:04:00.002-05:00

I'm in St Lucia working on a beautiful house, working long late hours and sometimes I wonder why. Many days -- for many days before I came to the islands -- it feels like I'm holding on to sanity by a thread. When several things go really wrong, I wonder some times why keep trying to create anything.

When it feels like I don't know what to do with myself or why try anything anyway, I don't want to do anything. Alas the realities of taking care of Rebecca and providing food and shelter for her keep me from doing anything crazy. Those of you who've known me for a while know I'm likely to go find the edge and do a back flip off it.

So I guess being married is some of what saves me. If not for the responsibility to Rebecca, who knows what I may think is an OK plan.

Thanks for the public therapy. I was sitting here wondering why not just swim across the bay and hang out in the hammocks under the palms, but thinking through things helps one from being too rash.

Most Common Question Ever

2009-02-04T19:12:00.002-06:00

Just to put everyone's mind at ease, I'll go ahead and answer the one question absolutely everyone asks. I don't know why everyone is so concerned about it. It's bizarre (to me anyway) how everyone from family to strangers want to know, "well, are you still trying?"

Yes, we never stopped unless ordered to by a doctor. There, everyone can rest easier now. ;)

Facebook is hell

2009-01-27T23:30:00.002-06:00

It really is. I'm on Facebook with tons of friends and I love being able to catch up with old friends, make invitations, post pictures, etc, but really I haven't really had the stomach to use it much lately. Kinda of like my previous post, it now really sucks to go around and see all these kids I went to school with who now have like 5 kids and they have all their pictures up of them doing funny things, etc. It really just sucks. So if I haven't been responding on Facebook, I'm sorry, it's just painful lately. It's hell really.

It's Creeping In

2009-01-27T21:39:00.002-06:00

It's creeping in and gaining ground... being wierd. It's getting harder and harder to feel normal and relaxed about not having any kids yet. Now when I see a little two year old boy being cute, it's really a lot harder to be normal. I used to be happy to see kids, and think to myself, "I can't wait 'till it's my turn." Not so much any more. I don't have as much hope as I used to. After the first couple failures, I still had hope, but as time goes on it's fading away. It's just harder to feel "normal." I used to enjoy kids, now more often than not it's more painful. It's just kind of creeping in.

Don't cry over spilled milk

2009-01-05T20:33:00.003-06:00

...or chocolate milk for that matter. However, a clever engineer-type fellow might devise an especially efficient method for consuming the aforementioned spillage.

What do you say?

2008-11-11T22:19:00.002-06:00

For some reason lately I've been meeting a lot of new people. It's bizarre how every single person asks, "So, do you have any kids?" I always pause. ...Is this a person I'm going to talk to again, someone who might start telling me that I should really should have some because they're so great, someone who may care one way or another what actually happened? Most of the time I torpedo them. I say, "not any more and not yet." "What!?!" "Well, we had a boy, but he died and we've lost two since him, but we're still trying." They just sit there shocked for a moment then usually say something like, "I'm sorry to hear that. You should keep trying and you'll have one." Sometimes people have had similar experiences and have sympathy and hope to offer. Some are rendered speechless.

Most of the time I feel bad because they were all upbeat, happy to see me, thought they asked a safe question and they just got totally blindsided, but really I've found it's best for me, and perhaps the relationship, if I'm just honest upfront. When people don't know what's happened, they say all kinds of silly things that I really have a hard time tolerating.

What's the best way to break the news, "our baby died, and we've lost two since then. How about you?"

Construction Progress Goes "Crash"

2008-09-26T22:33:00.005-05:00

In an effort to work out our feelings through construction, we have decided to remodel our master bathroom. While Micah is clearly the brains behind this operation, I am his chief assistant and general counsel. I make important decisions like which faucets to put in or how many jets I would like the new tub to have. This leaves Micah with the task of getting all those aesthetic decisions I made into the new bathroom. But never fear, his chief assistant is always available to help. Take this evening as an example. After helping my handsomely bearded contractor run the wire for the new lighting system, I decided to await further instructions while giving the new tub a dry run. Micah has captured my contribution to the labor of the evening and considers it an accurate portrayal...I am not so sure.

How we're doing now

2008-07-25T23:35:00.002-05:00

Worn Out. I think that's the only way to describe it. It's almost like we're too tired to be sad any more. We've been sad for the last year and a half; we just can't take any more of it. This time, we were sad for about two days and then we were just done. Didn't have the energy to cry almost.

We feel like we have nothing left to say, and we don't really care to hear people tell us what God is going to do. And we're also not keen any more on hearing stories like so and so lost five babies, but then had three kids. The following analogy I think would fit and describe how we feel when we hear those stories. Let's say you've been in a bad car wreck and you're still a quadriplegic in a motorized chair. Someone comes up to you and says, "I saw this show a few days back about a guy in a wheel chair, just like you, and he said it was the best thing that ever happened to him because now he values life, he's overcome adversity and shown what you can accomplish with determination..." and you want to just drive over their toes and knock their shins. Those stories don't make us feel any better either.

Something we wish we could do better was talk to everyone who wants to talk to us. Many friends call, but we just don't have anything to say besides the same story: lost at 12 weeks, feel OK, very sad, yada yada. If we haven't gotten back to you we apologize, we just have a lot calls which we appreciate very much and don't have time or energy to call everybody back.

That's the hard part. The good part is that we thank everyone for their support. We do love getting the emails and voice mails that say, we're thinking of you, we're very sorry etc. We are so thankful for our friends and family. We're thankful that Rebecca is OK. They went and got the baby out, but no surgery was required so Rebecca is feeling much better this time.

Thank you again for your support. Even just you reading this blog is encouraging to us when we get to look at the stats and see that 2500 different people have read the blog and have visited from all over the world.

Take care, Micah

A little further down the road

2008-07-25T23:20:00.002-05:00

Well, there's a couple things we've learned being a little further down the road after William. I'm not feeling very creative tonight so I'm afraid I'll default to a list.

We never, ever forget him. Not a day goes by we don't remember William, the hospital, the funeral, ... the loss. We'll never be normal again, it's kind of like getting your leg shot off, you just can't ever go back and be a dude with two regular legs again.
God has worked in us, Rebecca and I, through this process. We're kinder to each other and we're much more sympathetic with others. Even if others didn't lose their baby, they may just be having a bad day, fighting with a loved one or who knows, it's always important to be kind to people having a bad day.
We don't value stuff as much, a friend spilled a chocolate milk shake on our wedding quilt and instead of getting quite torqued over it, which I'm really good at, we both just said, "oh well, we'll clean it up, no problem." Now we know stuff is just stuff, and that people matter so much more. Our stuff can't hug us, bring us food, help us clean our house, kick us off the couch or love us. It's just stuff.

I know there are many different areas; we feel like totally different people, but these are the highlights I remember right now.

Developments

2008-07-25T22:35:00.003-05:00

Well, it's been so long I actually have several developments at once to share. First we got pregnant, YAY!! So we told our families, waited a few weeks, then close friends, waited a few weeks, told everybody, next day, lost the baby, BOOOOOOOO! We lost our third baby at just under 12 weeks.

The doctor said that everything operated "as it should." In early stages of development, cell splitting and what not, if everything isn't going along great there's a sort of auto-terminate feature built into babies, so they tell me. They also tell me this is common, about 20% of all pregnancies end this way.

As horrible as it sounds, in my world this is progress. For the other two kids the doctors said, "we have no idea what happened, this isn't supposed to happen," and "wow, I'm glad you [Rebecca] made it, what happened to you is usually fatal." So now for them to say, that everything operated correctly, self-destruct feature included, it's at least progress. I hate it, and I wish it had never happened, but they say you have to look on the sunny side of life or something stupid like that.

What I remember

2008-03-13T11:06:00.006-06:00

I don't usually post here on Micah's blog, but since he asked, I'm sharing.

The thing I remember most vividly was how many people were there. I wondered how I could ever explain to everyone who came to the funeral how grateful I was that they did. There were so many people, many of whom came from very far away, that in my hour of deepest sorrow, I was also profoundly thankful.

Even while I was still in the hosptial, one of the things that I was most afraid of was losing all our friends, too. I didn't want people to not be around us because they didn't want to feel uncomfortable. To be honest, it's likely how I would have felt if it had been one of my friend's baby instead of ours. It's hard to imagine that losing our sweet son could have been any worse, but the truth is: it could have been. Instead of just crazy, we could have been crazy and alone.

The second thing I often think about was the indescribable way that God held our broken hearts in his hands. When I was afraid of being alone, He sent friends in abundance. When nothing anyone said/brought/did could bring back our little boy, our loving heavenly Father gave us hope.

To everyone who came, brought us dinner, sent flowers, e-mailed, sent a card, dropped by, went to the grocery store, vacummed or did one of countless other things to help us, I am more thankful than I can describe. When the world had come to an end, you helped us keep going.

What do you remember?

2008-02-19T00:40:00.002-06:00

During the funeral and graveside service we looked around and have images in our mind that we'll hopefully never forget. We remember what our pastor said, and I play the song we played by Jeremy Camp, "I still believe" quite a bit. We remember a lot, but we would love to hear from those of you who attended, what do you remember? Please leave a comment.

There's Nothing Left to Do

2008-02-18T23:10:00.003-06:00

Well it's been a year. His first birthday was January 30th. We had a party for him at Bear Creek. Rebecca made a wonderful white cake with almond, cream cheese icing and we wrote "Happy Birthday William" on it. We took presents and balloons and let the balloons go. It was surreal having our own little party with no guest of honor. We left some of the presents there with him and brought some back to pass along.

The last couple weeks have been really hard. It has been a year so pretty much all of the "firsts" have happened, first birthday, first steps, etc. Rebecca and I have been talking and we're ready to sort of move on. We feel like a year of the hard crying is enough. It's a hard balance, we'll never forget, but we also don't want to be stuck in 2007 forever. But the last couple weeks that seems harder than ever to do. No sooner than we get this great idea, it seems impossible.

The week leading up to his birthday I cried every time I was in the car driving to or from work. I should be going home to see him, but he's not there. He would be so much fun now, but he's not here. For some reason the last couple weeks it just seems like the hole left by his absence seems enormous.

During the funeral and for the first couple weeks afterwards there was a lot to do. We had a lot of family in town. We were busy taking care of Rebecca after the surgery. We got to see family we hadn't seen in a long time. Along with the trauma we had a lot of fun and really good times as well. We've done all the big tasks, we set his head stone, had his first Christmas. We went from counting by days to weeks to months and now to years. Now, everyone's gone home, there's nothing left to do but be sad.

Silent Night Indeed

2007-12-25T00:53:00.000-06:00

It's Christmas Eve and it's a silent night. There's family shuffling about getting ready for bed and whatnot, but compared to what it should be, it's silent.

Silent Night has become the hardest song for me to hear this season. The very first verse says, "Holy infant so tender and mild" and I know exactly what that looks like. I have an image that springs to mind of when I was holding William in my arms. His little hands folded; so tender and mild. Then the very next line is "sleep in heavenly peace" and I remember laying him down in his crib and tucking in the sheets for the last time.

When hearing this song and thinking of my son, tender and mild, sleeping in heavenly peace, my heart breaks and the Holy Spirit reminds me that God's heart broke even more. So much so that He sent His son just to come and get me.

Remembering

2007-12-21T19:59:00.000-06:00

When they wheeled Rebecca out of the delivery room to the OR a nurse came back and told me to put some scrubs on. If the doctors would let me in, I should be ready, she said. Then she told me to just sit tight until somebody came and got me. So I sat there in the chair having no clue what to do with myself. I called Rebecca's mother, or maybe she called me, and told her they had taken Rebecca in for the emergency C-section. She said something along the lines of, well, that's not what we hoped for, but it's not the end of the world. Then I was just sitting there. I couldn't think of anything else to do, and skydiving taught me panic does nothing but make things worse, so I just prayed for 20 minutes thanking God for everything I have. I thanked him for Rebecca, my parents, her parents, our siblings, our extended family, our health, our house, our church, my business, and all kinds of stuff. I said, God, you have given me all these blessing and if you take them all, I will still trust you. If I had known what was about to happen, I might have done a little more negotiating.

While I was praying, a nurse came in and said the doctor would like to see you now. She didn't look happy, but didn't look sad; just professional, in a soap opera-esque emotive yet emotionless sort of way. We walked down to the OR, which in hospitals is several long halls and corners away. We walked in the final door to the OR and the sea of scrubs just parted before me leading me to a little table with a little baby laying on it. This was not looking like a joyous welcoming party. It took about 2 seconds to realize he's not moving... at all. There were four little red dots on his chest that were puncture holes from the adrenaline they gave him. There was the little bracelet and knit cap on him, and he was looking kind of blue. The doctor standing behind me put his hand on my shoulder and said, "I'm so sorry, there was nothing else we could do."

What's bizarre about that moment is that from then on, there was pretty much zero thought going on, emotion was too overwhelming. They slid a chair in behind me so I could fall down. They asked if I wanted to hold him and I said yes, so I held him close and cried hard. They continued to tell me he wasn't breathing when he came out and they could breathe for him and pump his heart for him, but he never took over and pumped or took a breath on his own. They said Rebecca was doing great and that she was getting put back together. They said I should probably go back to the room and wait for Rebecca to get up to the recovery room. Did I want to leave him here or let a nurse take care of him and clean him up? Not on your life! I didn't let him out of my arms until an hour later I handed him to Rebecca.

The real deal

2007-12-05T03:51:00.000-06:00

I've been reading back through my posts this morning and noticed a trend. When God has been working and teaching and when I'm excited and have something to share, I write. When I'm victorious in my struggle or having a breakthrough revelation, that's what I love to share. What there's not much of in my posts, is the other times in between those times, when life isn't so fun.

Now, every time between my posts has not been horrible. There have been many great times as well as trying times that I haven't written about. I just don't know how to, or want to at times, give an accurate description or play by play. Especially when things are bad, I don't have the urge to post, "Life sucks, I don't know what's going on, news at eleven." When life is no fun, I really don't want to be whiny. Similarly, my faith has grown through this experience, and through many other experiences leading up to this, but to only represent that it has always been strong is just untrue. My life this year has not been characterized by peace, tranquility and joy. It's no fun admitting weakness and pain, but along with the victories, that is the real deal.

This has been harder than we expected

2007-12-05T01:45:00.000-06:00

This year has been hard. We're over ten months away and it seems like all we do is see how deep the rabbit hole goes; how hard it can get. Thanksgiving and the holidays have been especially hard and it's kind of caught us off guard.

First, we planned a year and a half ago to have Christmas at our house so that we wouldn't be traveling with a youngster. Well, everyone is coming to our house, but we don't have a youngster. It's a kick in the gut every time I think about it.

Second, now that's it's been a while, baby's close to William's age are now old enough to be out traveling and it just seems like we see them all over the place. We know he would have been about this big, he would know his name, he would be close to walking about now, he would be cuddly, he would be so cute and he would be so fun.

Third, It's been really hard seeing our parents be such great grand parents. When we see our parents take care of other kids our hearts cry, "they should be taking care of William!" We don't begrudge anyone else their joy, but we can't help thinking William should be on that wagon, high chair or lap instead.

Fourth, it seems like injustice continues to taunt us. As time goes on we hear of more and more people who don't "deserve" their baby, but they get one...and we still don't. Some people complain incessantly about the pain and inconvenience of having a baby. Some people have one and don't take care of it. Some people don't want the one they have. Some people have one and want one, but don't deserve it. (I understand the danger of using the word "deserve," especially considering the context of some of my other posts, but it best describes the emotions we feel) Sometimes these events put me into a crying, screaming rage! It's just so unfair!

Finally, we're coming up on Christmas. A time of hope, that just seems ironic. We think back to last year and all the fun we had with him kicking; the hopes and the dreams. I remember rubbing Rebecca's tummy, sleeping with the windows open in the winter, trying to keep toilet paper in stock. What do we have to hope for this year? We've lost two babies this year, with even less probability of success now than before. It's just a whole different ball game, that's no fun to play.

As much as we try to be aware of troubling times ahead of time, we just can't predict how awful it can end up being. We try to prepare for times we know will be stressful, or remind us of him, but we continue to be amazed at all the different directions pain can come from. This has been harder than we expected.

One of the coolest things I've heard in a while

2007-10-17T19:51:00.000-05:00

Rebecca and I were watching TV the other night: Man vs Wild on Discovery channel. It's a show where a guy gets dropped off in the middle of no where and has to find his way back to civilization. He was running through the rain forest then stopped for a split second, looked up and said something like, "look at this flower, it just proves the extravagance of God. This flower may have never been seen by anyone, but its gorgeous, it's extravagance!" Then he scrambled on down the path to catch a piranha with a hand made bow and arrow.

Stop every once and a while, look around, and you too can see the extravagance of God!

The Long Time Learning (God Pt III)

2007-10-14T17:36:00.000-05:00

God has been working on me for the last couple months and all the pieces didn't come together until last week. First I'll give you the big lesson, give you all the points and small lessons along the way, then give you the big lesson again. The big lesson: I control nothing, I deserve nothing, when I am at my best I depend on God for everything.

First off, I control nothing. This has been a big theme of this year. No matter how good we are, no matter how right we are, no matter how many risks we eliminate, we are not in control. Rebecca was so prepared for William it was just amazing to me. In the end though, there was no dieting, exercising, vitamin taking, technique learning enough to control that situation. It's just not possible. Same thing last couple weeks, we had absolutely no control of an ectopal pregnancy bursting and causing surgery. Even in my business, I realize I have no control. I can do my best to take care of my customers and I still may fail, or I may succeed and they may want to sue me anyway. I just do not control any situation really. I have control over my emotions and actions and that is pretty much all.

Second, I deserve nothing. This lesson came to me first towards the end of an interesting book from my brother in law. It's called Me, Myself and Bob and I highly recommend it. But one of the stories he tells is about thinking that because he worked hard all night, that he deserves what he receives. Then when he saw another man getting on the train going to what the author suspects is his first job at 4am to probably very unfulfilling, unapreciative work and then to a second equally unrewarding job just to barely support his family. At this moment the Holy Spirit revealed to the author that he didn't deserve better just because of who he was, but that the foot of the cross is level: "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," Romans 3:23. God has repeated this lesson for me as well. For the last couple months the Holy Spirit has been taking opportunities when I sin, worry or become proud to gently remind me that I have fallen short and don't get what I deserve, which is life without God, but rather I get to take part in full communication with God because of the gift of Jesus Christ, which I have done nothing to deserve.

Finally, given the other two lessons, I control nothing and I deserve nothing. The best thing I can do is simply say, "God, have mercy on me, a sinner." Luke 18:13 (follow that link, it's good in context) When this is what my heart crys out, I have peace and joy. I am in the palm of the Creator's hand, helpless and I couldn't be happier. It's when I crawl out of His hand and start taking on the world like Don Quixote as if I could do something, get something more or even just expect something more, that I get stressed out, unable to sleep and generally unhappy. God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Latest Events (2007 sucks)

2007-10-14T17:28:00.000-05:00

Well, the last couple weeks have been quite eventful for us. Since I haven't run this story by Rebecca I'll keep it quick. Maybe she will fill in more details later.

Three weeks ago Rebecca thought she had a miscarriage so we went to the hospital and they said, yup, you were pregnant and now you're not. Then the next Saturday, she had intense abdominal pain so we called 911, went to the hospital, found out she had an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy that ruptured and had emergency abdominal surgery to stop the internal bleeding and remove the ruptured tube (everything else is still fine and in place). So for the second time this year we're one week in to a 3 month recovery after significant abdominal surgery again.

2007 sucks

What it's like

2007-09-30T21:31:00.000-05:00

Well, I have some new perspectives I'd like to share; just some random things I've learned lately. One is that people in grief may just not know what to do. I know many times we just had no idea what to do with ourselves. For instance, I was holding William in bed and then a camera came out and I smiled. I wasn't happy, I just don't know, it was a camera and you smile for the camera. What else should I do? So when encountering grieving people, don't expect them to know what to do or even behave normally. If you are the grieving person, just expect to be without your wits and it's totally OK. It's just what happens.

When we grieve we are exhausted. It's similar to stress, when something is going wrong our brain just runs all night long working over details, what ifs, etc. and we can't sleep until we're totally exhausted, then we wake up late and tired and it's just a bad cycle and it totally snowballs. So that's why at times we're totally exhausted. It's not rocket science, it's just something I wouldn't have expected, but it totally hits you hard.

Finally, what's it like to be us? One of the best analogies I've found is that it's like getting married, but bad. Take the emotional amplitude and invert it and the time line fits pretty well. The first day is a blur, it's crazy. The first week you are on the honeymoon and completely outside real life: it's great. Then you get back to real life, but you're keenly aware that life is radically different . After some time the new situation becomes a little normal, but it's still entirely different than before, it just feels more like normal. Similarly, no matter how much time passes you never forget that you're married, it's just part of normal. That's why this blog is called "The New Normal."

I haven't forgotten to write

2007-09-15T11:44:00.000-05:00

I haven't forgotten to write, I've just been out of town and extremely busy the last couple weeks. I've been gone for 3 weeks straight: a week in Gulfport/Biloxi, MS; a week in Denver; and now I'm writing this while on board a 161' yacht I'm finishing in Ft Lauderdale, Florida and once I finish here, I'll be in El Paso for a week (no yachts in El Paso though :( ).

I have been thinking about William a lot and have plenty to write about, I just don't have the two hours it takes me to write two paragraphs. So once life settles back down in a little bit, I'll be back to writing.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

My Testimony part 1

2007-08-20T23:39:00.000-05:00

I don't know why this has been on my mind lately, but it has so here goes. I always remember being in youth group and hearing crispy critter stories ("I was so close to hell..." "I was sleeping in the gutter,"" I did so many drugs", etc.) and thinking to myself "boy if I had a good story like that and I saw firsthand what God could do for me, I would really believe." That thinking was flawed in so many ways, but alas that's what being young is all about I guess.

First, my testimony is that I didn't have to go through all that junk. God saved my parents and changed their lives long before I came along, and they brought me up to know and follow God. He was good to me before I was even born by providing me with good parents. As I was growing up, I knew other kids in our church and youth group that did all the horrible things (sex, drugs, you name it) the crispy critters did, but God chose to reveal himself to me in no uncertain terms before I got to those stages. I wanted to follow God when I could have started down a very different path. Testimony number one is that God has saved me from so much destruction and so many horrible experiences in the first place.

Second, my foundation has been firm. This kind of dovetails with the first one. Because I didn't have those horrible times of life -- for which I am eternally grateful -- it would be easy to think that God hadn't really been "tested." I'd have to agree that I didn't have a dramatic story. I still don't really have one. If you get thrown out of the airplane and the parachute opens just as it should, it's scary but not catastrophic. Losing a son has been a kick to the heart, and like getting thrown out of a plane you don't have much say in the matter and you'll take all the help you can get. We could not have carried ourselves, but when God shows up, cradles us, takes care of us like never before, like we knew he would, it is no fun at all but still not the end of the world. It hasn't been without uncertainty, outright fear, grief and lots of crying, but our life hasn't crumbled, our faith hasn't cratered, our marriage is strong and our life continues with hope.

God can do incredible restoration with crispy critters, but God can also protect, cradle and guide hearts submitted to Him. So, I think a life of hope and faith is just as dramatic a testimony to the power of God. My personal testimony right now is that we do not grieve like the rest of men who have no hope.

You Could Have Had

2007-08-20T23:22:00.000-05:00

I wrote this the day after my son died and our pastor read this essay at his funeral.

You could have had a great life.

Everyone says being a father gives you a clearer perspective on how your heavenly father sees you. For example, when I looked at my son, I loved him so much I could hardly stand it. It wasn’t because he was so great (which he was of course), because he was good to me or because he did anything for me. I loved him because he was my son, no other reason necessary. I always knew this is how it would be, but now I’ve felt it, it’s real. I understand more now how my heavenly father sees me.He loves me because I’m his son, not because of what I can do for Him, great things I can say about Him or anything, but because He made me to be me.

Yesterday I held my son and discovered quite another perspective from God. I had been anxiously waiting for him to come, I had so many dreams for him. So many things I wanted to teach him and help him experience. He would go mountain biking, rock climbing, scuba diving and sky diving. He would learn to work on cars, work with wood, work on houses. He would learn to be a real man, a servant, a hard worker, a loving husband and a doting father himself some day.

It wouldn’t be perfect all the time. At some point in his life he would have probably yelled, “I hate you Dad!” and slammed the door. I might have yelled back, “I don’t care, I hated you first.” But really, he could never get away from my love. There would never be any time I wouldn’t drive off the end of the world to get him back. All these things he missed out on, he never had a chance to experience them. As I laid him down in his crib for the last time I whispered in his little ear, “You could have had a great life.”

When my heavenly father lays me down for the last time I don’t want him to say, “You could have had a great life.” I don’t want Him to say, “You could have had joy, you could have had freedom, and you could have had peace. I wanted to teach you to trust Me; I would have taken care of you. I wanted to teach you to live fully and abundantly; I would have provided for you. I wanted to help you with your burden; I would have taken it for you. I wanted to calm your fears and restore your hope; it’s what I do best.”

It won’t be perfect. At some point, maybe several points, in my life I may yell, “I hate you God!” and slam the door. He will always say, ”I don’t care, I will always love you.” There will never be any time He won’t turn over Heaven and earth to get me back.

Don’t miss out on all God offers you. Don’t get to the end of a good life apart from God only to hear, “You could have had... a great life.”

Permission to Use

2007-08-12T21:19:00.001-05:00

I have had several requests to use various parts of my blog and our story in sermons, talks, speeches, discussions, etc. Anyone has permission to use my story and or blog entries. It's on the internet so it doesn't get much more public than that.

I do request that you let me know when you use my story or entries. It's encouraging to hear my blog entries have wings, travel about and have a positive impact in peoples lives. If possible I'd really love to hear or see a copy of the sermon, speech, talk or whatever.

I'm encouraged when other people see value in my questions and thoughts. Thank you again for your support and interest.

Why I Give AKA God Pt II

2007-08-01T21:57:00.000-05:00

When I was maybe 4 or 5 I was sitting in a church conference with my parents in a hotel ballroom with jade green paisley carpet, green covered chairs and dark jade and gold curtains covering the windows. It came to the part of the service where they collected the tithes and offerings and passed the baskets. My mom handed me a quarter and told me to put in the basket. When the basket came along, I quickly slipped the quarter in my pocket and passed the basket on. My mom, being the shrewd woman she was, caught the slight of hand and took the basket back. She said, "Why did you keep the quarter when I told you to put it in the basket?" I said, "because you gave it to me." "Yes, but if I ask you to put it in the basket and you don't, why should I give you another quarter?"

We see in the Bible that God expects a tithe from us out of obedience and out of trust. If we don't obey God's commands; if we don't trust what God says is true in everyday matters such as money and possessions, how can we believe we will be able to trust or obey when it comes to important matters.

Let's say I had not been a faithful tither, let's say I chose not to obey, let's say I did not trust God with my money. If I arrived at my present set of circumstances in this condition it would be nearly impossible for me to suddenly, honestly begin trusting God. I couldn't start at this point and suddenly believe that He knows what's going on, that He wants the best for me or know that He will provide for me.

In my current situation I'm grateful that Rebecca and I decided to make a habit of trusting and obeying years ago when the 'trust and obey' wasn't on such an incredible scale. We didn't just stand up after William died and say we'll trust God now because we have nothing else to do. We stand up and say God has been good to us for years and He still is, right now.

God asks us to put our quarters in the basket, we do, and he always gives us more quarters.

Ups and Downs

2007-08-01T21:06:00.000-05:00

Well, this last weekend was extremely tough. First, I went to Oshkosh, WI for my annual airplane dreaming vacation at the EAA Airventure show. It's a collection of 2,500 or more airplanes of all types: old "war birds", business jets, geneal aviation, gliders, military fighters, homebuilt and experimental airplanes, floatplanes, helicopters, ultra-lights... I think you get the picture that it's a lot of flying things.

That show and that vacation time is one of my favorite times of year, and it just struck me like a ton of bricks that I won't be able to bring him along. As my buddies and I sat around the beer garden till midnight, I thought that in 21 years he won't be there with me, enjoying what we've been enjoying all this time, telling stories among friends. I saw so many little boys walking around the show with their dads, excitedly running and pointing at almost every single airplane they saw, shielding their eyes to watch the airshow and I don't have my little boy. Almost to top it off, there was a new childrens cartoon debuted at the show called Andy's Airplanes. (it really is quite cute I think) I walked by it almost every day, and boy if that isn't just salt in the wound, I don't know what is.

I don't know if you guys noticed, but his little outfit at the funeral had airplanes on it because I knew we would enjoy airplanes together.

So Sunday night when I got back, we had a long cry about that. Then Monday was the 30th which is the six month mark and that was hard too. We had another good cry about that and filled my ears up again. When you cry while lying on your back, your tears run into your ears until it sounds like you're in an aquarium.

So really, I don't think the pain lessens, it just gets concentrated from the easier every day events into the harder meaningful events. I kind of feel like a 9/11 survivor; we'll survive, but we'll never forget.

General Life Update

2007-07-16T19:52:00.000-05:00

Well, here's the general life update. We are doing better. In previous posts I said it feels like we're still descending, but now, I would say we've turned the corner and are making the climb out.

There are still setbacks and some very sad times still, but overall, life is improving.

Thank you for all your support and thank you for remembering us.

A quick visit to left field ...cause it's my page.

2007-06-15T01:13:00.000-05:00

This is totally off topic as I am just sharing what I have found to be one of the greatest cleaning tips around. It's my page and... well that's all, but here we go. Have two drinks before you start, then a drink an hour to keep your momentum. This may be shocking to some of you, but I'll give you two reasons it works and to give it a try.

Reason One: I don't like cleaning. I'd rather be doing something else, but cleaning and organizing just have to be done. Now take some good rural folk, give em a few drinks and its suddenly a good idea to go pushing around 1800 pound cattle in their field at night. No one knows why, it just suddenly is. Same thing here, I'm just sitting in front of the TV and suddenly it's a good idea to get some of this junk out of my way, and make noise with a vacuum cleaner and such. I don't know why; it just works for me.

Reason Two: I keep less stuff. As I come across junk I'm less likely to think "hmm, this has the subtle yet distinct look of things that are suddenly super necessary at some point beyond 15 years from now. What if that fateful day arrives, and I'm unprepared?!? I must keep it!" and I'm more likely to think all in one breath, "what's this? Dunno" Kerplunk! Or when looking at clothes I don't think something silly like, "this was my favorite shirt in junior high. I used to be so cool. I'm going to start working out this year you know. I'll fit into it again soon, you'll see..." and instead think, "oh crap! I don't need this as evidence against me!" Swish!

So there they are. I should make an infomercial and sell "cleaning kits" in the middle of the night. Anyway, I've been using this system for my last couple large cleaning jobs and it has drastically improved my cleaning performance, and I haven't regretted one thing I've thrown out. I usually just regret the things I keep.

PS: I do donate everything of value to a local charity. Not everything goes into the actual trash and don't drive anywhere after you're done cleaning, just check out my infomercial on TV.

PPS: No, I didn't have anything to drink before writing this. ;)

A Picture

2007-05-29T23:08:00.000-05:00

This is Rebecca's favorite picture and one of mine too.

The God Thing Part1

2007-05-29T22:23:00.000-05:00

This will be just part 1 of who knows how many. All night is not long enough to tell about all we've learned and all God has done for us. First what we've experienced has only proved Scripture and grown our faith. We don't cling to Scripture as though we hope it comes true, but rather stand on it as it has already happened and been proven true. For example: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[j] who[k] have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 NIV A simple interpretation is that God never wastes a hurt. In all things, even this thing, God is at work for my good. This has happened. I am a different, better person. We have seen all kinds of restoration directly resulting from this tragedy. If left up to me I would never trade William, but God did use this hurt to work good in other areas.

God did not cause this. He didnt' take my baby. We live in a fallen world where Satan can do stuff. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10 NIV

That's it in a nutshell. I'll expand on this plenty more, but I wanted to let you know where we stand: what we believe and more importantly what we know. We know God is good.

Talk to Us

2007-05-29T22:01:00.000-05:00

When I talk to people I often hear. "Man I'm curious how you're doing, but I don't want to bring it up." Well for anyone who's had similar thoughts, I want to put your mind at ease and tell you please talk to us.

We enjoy talking about William and it actually helps us and makes us feel better than you can imagine. It also reassures us that you haven't forgotten him either and that makes us feel very good. So please ask any questions.

You can't hurt us any worse. It's not like we almost forgot everything and you bringing it up suddenly brought it all back. I have his picture right under my monitor at work. I get to "escape" for minutes at a time where I am focused on programming, but other than that we never forget it.

We appreciate honest questions and will answer honestly. There is nothing off limits per se and we wouldn't with hold information that would help you understand something. For example, in all honesty I'm a little relieved I'm not changing diapers right now. That whole scene creeps me out, but I would do them all forever and let him run around the house without them entirely if it meant he was here.

We may not be happy. I have to warn you that sometimes when ask us questions we may start crying when we talk about him, but please don't worry. I would rather cry in front of you and know you still care than think you don't care or don't remember.

It actually makes us feel good to talk about him so please talk to us.

What is the New Normal

2007-05-29T21:38:00.000-05:00

The title of this blog is The New Normal, but what exactly is that, what does that look like? Now that we've had some time to get in a new groove, we're getting a clearer picture of the New Normal.

For starters, it changes what's important. Sometimes we just have bad days and we take time for that. Before, I was very schedule and task oriented. If things weren't done on time, I was upset and now that just doesn't matter at all some times. Sometimes Rebecca and/or I just need time and now we just take it.

Now we feel like we understand how important it is to be a good friend. We realised so many people didn't know what do with us, but that we appreciated people who made an effort. We know some things better now, but we still don't always know what to do with other people's hurt either. What we do know is that it's important to make an effort, and to be a good friend. Part of that being a good friend is just knowing that everybody's pain is different and that everyone's pain, while being different can be the worst ever to them. Just like I said in the How to Help post, comparison never helps and it's always the worst thing in the world to the people going through it.

So our New Normal is a change of priorities, a change of schedules, a change of attitudes a change of our life pace and direction.

Cruel Trick Huh?

2007-05-29T21:12:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the trick having you subscribe only to then not post anything for 4 weeks or whatever it's been. "Catch the latest greatest news... a month from now" Anyway, I have a full quiver of things to say and I'll work on getting them all out.

For starters, I've had a new realisation lately. I am a dad. Now that may not seem new to some of you, but I for a while was in the camp that thought, dads have kids and I don't have a kid. Now when people ask if I have children I say "I have one in heaven." He didn't cease to exist when he died, but I didn't make that connection until recently. So I am a daddy, my son is growing in heaven. Another interesting thing is that without really realising it, I have become a daddy in the way I behave. I spent the last weekend with my cousin in Ft Lauderdale, FL and when interacting with his kids I realised how different I am. Anyway, that's the new news.

The Subscribe Feature

2007-04-25T22:46:00.000-05:00

I just want to take a quick moment and make people aware of the subscribe feature at the very bottom of this page. When you click the Subscribe to: Posts (Atom) link it will bring you to a new page with a yellow box at the top and say you are subscribing to a feed that updates often or something like that. If you click the link next to the star that says "Subscribe to this feed" then the whole blog will be added to your Internet Explorer feeds list and it will automatically update every day and let you know if there is a new post. This way you can get the latest news and not have to check everyday. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know about this handy feature.

Can I Brag On My Wife

2007-04-25T22:30:00.000-05:00

This last weekend I needed to run in William's room to grab something and for some reason stopped to look around again. It was supposed to be a quick in and out grab, but I got stuck. I couldn't help but notice how wonderfully Rebecca had prepared for him. She had all his clothes in the changing table ready to go; all his little socks washed and paired up. His diapers were all opened ready to go in a stack on the end of the changing table with another package ready as backup just to the side. She then had tubs of clothes, pre-washed and folded divided into size groups below his crib sized 3-6mo, 6-9mo, 9-12mo, etc. The baby phone (monitor) was charged and ready to go. He had a little bath basket all made up with all the required soaps, washcloths, and stuff in it. He already had his own kitchen cabinet with all his plasticware washed and ready to go. His books were all stacked on the bookshelf organized by appropriate age range. He had little toys organized in his closet by appropriate age range and all his little shoes lined out across the bottom. His little come home outfit was still in the crib folded and ready with a little lamb outfit with matching socks and cap. I sat there for almost 45 minutes just marveling at all Rebecca had done to prepare for our little boy. She had absolutely everything except diaper lessons for the father. Can I just tell you she is the best mother ever.

Thanks to All of You

2007-04-25T22:11:00.000-05:00

We have been attending grief group with others who experienced a similar situation as ours called MEND. One of the things we've grown to appreciate is that as far as this experience goes, you have helped us walk it out as perfectly as could possibly be imagined.

We realized God has taken such care of us through everyone around us, it's just amazing. We received almost nothing, but perfect advice. The doctors were great, the people who advised us through the funeral process, the friends who supported us, the family who gathered around us, the funeral home that assisted us, didn't exploit us and was a tremendous help, a friend who loaned us his vacation house to get away for a week and I can go on and on.

This was a terrible event that forever changed our lives, but thanks to you, your assistance, guidance, support, ears, meals, flowers, emails, cards and your love, you have helped us walk out the perfect recovery scenario and we appreciate you immensely.

My New Perspective

2007-04-11T23:54:00.000-05:00

I have friends roughly my age ask, "what do you feel when you see my children?" It's bizarre really, but I have a totally new perspective. Rebecca tells me, "once a daddy, always a daddy" and it's really true. I appreciate all children so much more. I know what a treasure they are and I treasure them with you. I know what I want to teach my children, how I want them to behave and what I want them to know. I want all those good things for your children too and I want to assist in that process by expecting the same of your children as you do and supporting and loving them the same as you do.

It really is a whole new perspective for me because now I'm on the parents team.

It's Just What Daddys Do

2007-04-11T23:31:00.000-05:00

I was maybe 12-14 years old and our dog escaped from the backyard. We couldn't find him anywhere in our neighborhood and finally we went down to check along the big street to see if he was down there. He was laying in the grass right by the street. I went to touch him to see if he was still breathing, if there was anything I could do for him. He was cold and stiff and I ran all the way home crying. After dad got home from work that night he went down and picked up our dog and brought him back. I remember sitting at home thinking, "I don't know if I can be a daddy; daddys have to do really hard stuff."

Now I know, it's just what daddys do. I make furniture so I had to make his box. He was my boy. I couldn't let anyone else carry him to the car or across the bridge. I was his daddy. I'm still a bit mistified that I could drive the screws into the top of his little casket myself, but now I know no matter how hard it is, it's just what daddys do.

Thank Heaven for Parents

2007-04-08T18:59:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to take a moment and thank our parents. I can never thank them enough. Both Rebecca's parents and my parents have been such an enormous help through this time I just about can't imagine doing this without them. They've been more generous in more ways than I ever could have dreamed. So I want to give them public kudos and a grateful, heartfelt "thank you."

Why Blog?

2007-04-08T18:24:00.000-05:00

I've gotten this question several times since posting the blog. The first answer is, I have alot to say and no one to say it to. So I'll just tell everyone. (I was working on a no one said to some on that everyone... type joke, but I'm sick this weekend so it ain't happenin)

The second answer I've discovered is that alot of people ask how we're doing and I rarely want to give them a real response like, "this week really sucked. Thanks for asking." I do want people to know the real deal with us though. I've found myself doing that terrible thing where people ask how we're doing and I cock my head to the side, pull my mouth back in a partial grin, say, "we're doing OK" and bob like a bobble head doll. I don't want to be fake with people, but they rarely ask at convenient times for me to give the whole story and I'm not sure they want to hear that we're still darn near incapcitated at times, "by the way how are your kids doing?" Perhaps I'm just projecting.

Along with the second answer this hopefully gives our friends and family an anonymous, low pressure way to check up on us without the pressure of possibly upsetting us, asking at a bad time, or any of the other risks real or perceived with talking to us directly.

Finally, I hope this can be a forum of sorts. I would love for people to comment on the posts and share the posts with friends, family etc if it would be beneficial. I've realised that alot of people have no idea what to do with us at times. If you find yourself in that group, please post a comment or email me. I promise there is nothing you can say that will offend me and I would rather hear from you and at least know you're thinking of us than hear nothing at all and assume you have forgotten about us.

Where he got his name

2007-04-03T21:29:00.000-05:00

Some of you may not know how we came up with his name of William Robert Thurlow. Well Rebecca and I treasure our fathers very much. They are both tremendous fathers who were very involved in our lives and played significant roles in developing us. ...you know hold us up to the light and shake us like polaroids ;) Anyway, Rebecca's father is Robert Smith and my father's name is William Thurlow, and we wanted our boy to be a legacy to their fathership. That's how we came to name him William Robert Thurlow.

Grief is the process

2007-04-03T21:28:00.001-05:00

Well, it's bizarre. They always say grief is a process, but I don't think that's very accurate. For us, the process is grief. As days tick on by it doesn't get any better yet. Actually the hard days get harder, when you lose it, you lose more. We get more back to "normal" life, we see more people who don't know what happened, we do things and go places and wish William was with us. Every day that ticks by we see more holes where he's missing. It still still feels like we're going down into the great fire swamp not coming out of it.

Backstory & Side Note: When I graduated high school I was dating a girl at the time that I was certain I would mary. I was absolutely positive that this was the girl God had created just for me and it would be wonderful. Well I wasn't that great of a guy at the time and she dumped me. It was a debilitating shock. I felt like I just couldn't go on. I wondered what God had in mind. I felt like I was living second to second breath in, breath out, style. After that I was in depression for over a year afterword and would still just lose it and fall to the floor sobbing on occasion. So I thought I knew what this grief may be like and expected it to take a long time, but that doesn't even come clost to compare to this. I don't know why, I haven't fallen to the floor sobbing yet, but damn it hurts. I even knew roughly what to expect, a year long process, sobbing, depression, etc. and it's still surprising how much this sucks. Side note: check my post about helping do's and dont's, because when I shared this comparison with Rebecca it backfired.

So, it's still hard and getting harder. The process continues on and the process is grief. That being said, we still treasure your support more than we can ever tell you and we will continue to need it for many months to come.

How to help and not piss off your friends

2007-04-02T22:48:00.000-05:00

This one is totally out of order, but it has been on my mind alot lately so it gets on top. Throughout the process we've received tons of "assistance. " The vast majority of it has been amazing, but we've seen alot of people who have no clue how to help. I certainly wouldn't have known myself, but now being on this end of the ordeal gives me a pretty good list of do's and don'ts.

The big picture: Stand on the side line and be ready to jump. Don't stay silent and don't jump in the middle of things without invitation, just be there. Everything else is just a clarification to that point.

Do make contact. Somehow. Anyhow is better than no how. If you want to support someone, let them know even if it's just a card. If you're close to the grieving person (family, long time friend, etc.) a call will most likely be welcome so long as you keep it brief and just call to say, "I'm sorry for you loss. If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know."

Don't get offended. Even if you're a close, close friend there is a ton of stuff going on and sometimes they just have bad days. Don't be offended it they don't tell you everything or don't call you back. Just be ready for when they do call.

Do send meals. We wouldn't have eaten if people hadn't been bringing food over. Our days were so bad some times we would have just cried ourselves to sleep in bed and not ate. Having meals helped us get to see friends and helped keep our strength up when we couldn't take care of ourselves.

Don't compare/sympathise. No comparison or a show of sympathy ever works out. Saying something like, "I know how you feel, my goldfish died in 3rd grade and I was crushed." will get an unspoken response along the lines of "so you think my child meant no more to me than a goldfish?" That's bad. Saying something like "I know how you feel, four of my children died" while a closer comparison than a goldfish you still run the risk of getting "you think just the first dying isn't all that bad?" Clearly you want the people you're supporting to know that you take their pain very seriously, and you hurt for them as perhaps you have hurt in similar situations before, but any comparison stands a 98% chance of back firing.

Do be genuine. The best thing anyone could say to me was something simple like "I am so sorry. I can't imagine how you hurt, but I hurt with you. If there's anything I can do, let me know." That conveyed to me a true friendship. I took people up on offers to talk, offers of help of different sorts and anyone who knows me knows I don't ask for help very often. This has been a good lesson for me because I have needed help like never before and people have been so gracious and generous to rush in and help in so many ways.

Don't say at least you have/haven't. A very painful mistake to make is to say something along of the lines well at least you still have health, one another, God, etc. In my painful and sometimes irrational state I wanted to respond, "Yeah, well I would have traded it all, but I don't get to do I?" One friend said well at least you didn't have such and such happen. It drew an unspoken angry response of "I would have gladly taken all of that and more to have my baby back. How can you be so insensitive?"

Do talk about it. We will never forget that our baby died. You will not be insensitive if you bring it up, ask about us, ask about William, let us know you're thinking of us. It's not like we almost forget and then when you brought it up it all came back. He was a significant part of our lives and it hurts far more when the situation is ignored and everyone pretends nothing happened. Sometimes we cry when we talk about it, but we'd rather talk about it, than act like nothing happened.

Don't offer grief guidance. I was surprised how many people offered grief guidance. Everybody grieves differently and every situation is different. So what worked for you, may not do a dern thing for me. The best possible thing to assist with the grief as said before is to be nearby and available. Allowing someone to grieve with you is the best way to help them grieve.

Do help. Some of the very best help we've had has at times been something we couldn't even ask for. Sometimes people didn't say if "if you need help let me know" but rather "I would like to take care of such and such for you." Those things were a tremendous help. One friend took care of organizing all our meals for us for two months and we didn't have to ask. It was some of the best help. Don't be afraid to take care of something and be "bossy help" but also be OK if they don't accept it.

Finally, do pray alot. It's one of the most effective things you can do and is ALWAYS welcome.

That's about all I can think of for tonight. I'm sure I will think of more and I'll dutifully add them to the blog. I hope this will help you be a better friend and supporter. If you every have any questions about if something would be appropriate, received well, risky or whatever, feel free to email me and I'll give my opinion if you'd like. It's very important to be a good friend and I'd be honored to help.

Intro & Event

2007-04-02T22:03:00.000-05:00

Well as a course of intro this, I feel, is a selfish pursuit to express stuff going on. I have tons of thoughts throughout a day and don't really have a way to get them out. I have fear, anger, relief, joy, despair, lessons learned, regrets, all sorts of things and sometimes I just can't get them all out, so I'll just blast it into the grand expanse of the Internet.

First the backstory: My wife and I were expecting a baby boy this spring. He was due on January 25th. Everything had been perfect throughout the entire pregnancy. On a quick side note, Rebecca had been perfect through the pregnancy. I had heard horror stories of hormone swings and all kinds of terrible things and I experienced none of those even as we bought a new house, upgraded it, repainted it and moved. As a husband goes I'm one of the luckiest ones out there. Back to the melody... On January 30th Rebecca went to the doctor and her water broke. The doctor to her to go to the hospital so I came, grabbed her and we headed to the hospital. He was kicking on the way down there and everything was great. We checked in at the hospital and they sent us to Room 1. The nurse said here put this gown on and we'll get you hooked up. ...or something to that effect. Rebecca called from the bathroom and said she didn't feel well so I went to help her out of the bathroom. We got to the door of the bathroom and she fainted and I helped her fall to floor softishly. Two nurses were right there and revived her and they started checking on the baby. The couldn' find a heatbeat so they moved her to the bed and looked for the heart beat another way and still couldn't find it. Also Rebecca's blood pressure was so low, the nurses were worried about losing her so they rolled her right out for an emergency C-section. The doctor did a super fast slash and grab and had William out in 60 seconds. There was a team of neonatal surgeons standing there to take him. He wasn't breathing and they tried to revive him for 18 minutes, but no luck. The nurse came to get me 20 minutes after they rolled her out and had me come down to the OR. That's when they told me what happened. I still can't really explain what all it felt like. The world stopped turning and everything fell over towards the east. Yeah, that's what happened.